A place to scream.

oh shit

2011-06-10T11:39:00.005+02:00

I am very down today. Yesterday I nearly killed Herrad. Screwed up good and proper. I took a road crossing too quick and pitched her out the chair... we got away with only minor damage to the chair and a small bruise on Herrad's head. I am gutted.

Agis screw up again.

2011-05-20T15:28:00.004+02:00

When some one puts up a real fight to make something good out of a bad situation I would have thought the organisations that are there to support them would be able to do their part.
Herrad has been let down again.
Her muscles do not support her torso so she can not sit up- she slowly moves to one side or the other and has to be sat up to stop unbearable strain being placed on her neck- she has a neck injury which is easy to aggravate and causes great pain. I prop her up best I can with cushions and on a good day this enough- on a bad day I have to correct her position every few minutes.
Her medical team advised a special cushion be made to give her the support that will make her able to sit comfortably. The insurance company (Agis) agreed and she was measured up. The cushion was to be delivered this week but Agis is now in dispute with the supplier so they have stopped the whole deal.
We find out on the day the cushion should arrive.

Waiting bloody waiting!

2011-05-04T18:37:00.003+02:00

Herrad is getting worse at a pace. She is loosing the use of her arms and is less able to support her self- nothing we can do to stop it but there are things that can help. We have got an agreement with the health insurance that support cushions are needed to hold her up in bed- we have had the agreement- the order has been placed and we are waiting waiting waiting- this has gone on since February. The only change is Herrad needs them more and at last we have been told we shall get them this month- it takes a few hours work to make a cushion- half a day, my Aunty Peggy could cover a three piece suite in an afternoon, shame she is to old to work now or I would have sent her the contract!
Herrad has agreement to get the joystick on he chair changed to one that requires less effort to control. We have been waiting since March for them to make an appointment to do the job. I fear she will not be able use the new control by the time it arrives. Herrad has no time to waist waiting. We are supposed to get air-co but it seems that the decision can not be made for two months- then another wait whilst it is implemented (if it is agreed) so we should be getting air-co for the start of next winter. I am so frustrated!

Grim reality comes knocking.

2011-05-03T12:11:00.003+02:00

We are entering a new phase of Herrad's illness. Her arms are stopping working thus making her even more dependant on me. She is frustrated and scared by the developments even though we have discussed this happening it is still a shock when the real implications become obvious. She has woken crying in pain and unable to move her arms at all. I Massage them and get her some thc that gives some relieve but it is only a partial help. Last night she was working on her computer but could not cope with the complicated operations she needed to perform. I was just settling down to take things easy but had to assist. She was very frustrated and was rather unpleasant in her manner. I did my best to assist and remain relaxed and we managed to get the work done between us. I managed not to be too overtly effected but when I took the dogs out for the last walk I started to cry in the street. Herrad will not be with me much longer. She is aware of this and last night it hit me what that means for me. I can not face the future with out her. I have no life with out her. She is my reason for living. I can only look forward with despair.

Foot rot gone crazy!

2011-05-02T11:42:00.006+02:00

I have had a bad time: athletes foot! I know it sounds trivial but it has been horrible. I got a very nasty infection three weeks ago. I bought a well known cream for the condition and it started to clear up. Then it changed it's mind and went crazy. It spread all over my feet up my legs and all over my hands. It then triggered an eczema attack. The doctor gave me pills to knock out the infection but the damage has been done and my skin is peeling off me. The cracks on the soles of my feet and around my toes make walking torture. I have to crawl out my bed on my hands and knees in the morning fill a tub with warm water and soak my feet before I can walk My hands are raw. But it is getting better and a little less painful every day. By next week I may even be able to play the banjo again. I have just done four days worth of dish-washing and will get cleaning the floors. All symbolic of my recovery- happily I have not got too depressed over this bad luck. Unusually I seem to have managed to maintain an fairly relaxed mental state. The only thing that got to me was the lack of banjo- I am on the point of being able to play a tune and want to press on!
http://www.deeringbanjos.com/sierra.html

2011-04-17T11:36:00.002+02:00

I have got to be more positive because my current state is getting Herrad down. I can not make her MS better but I can make her feel worse. Yesterday I decided to put all the effort I can into being brighter. Even if I do not feel happy I will act happy and hopeful. It is not easy, I am sure I am clinically depressed- that is I do not have the right brain chemistry to feel happy so I need to take action to stimulate my brain into producing the right chemicals to make me feel happy. Fatigue is one of the symptoms of depression so I have to up my exercise whilst feeling wiped out. It can be done and will be done. Blogging again has helped already. I am going to make my self a coffee and get the house clean and shining and try to get the dogs out for a long walk. I will stop watching television- always a sign of depression for me. Usually TV just makes me angry and frustrated, movies the same, I can not believe how much effort goes in to making trivial meaningless rubbish and how much importance it is given by society. I know not all TV and all films are rubbish but most (99%) are. Watching them makes me feel I have given up. OK I may be an undereducated manual labourer but I still have something of a brain and will try to feed it.

2011-04-15T14:05:00.002+02:00

I got through the dreaded birthday yesterday. It always gets me down and I had been low for the last month any way. I have done a big lot of shopping- fruit and veg mostly so I have not so much to do over the weekend.
I am trying to find the positive. It is not easy.
My new dog Cyril is getting very sweet. He is beginning to believe I am not going to beat him. I do not know what went down in his previous home but something scared the wee lad. He both wants my affection and is very scared. He cuddles up to me growling and showing his rather impressive teeth. As he has been here longer the growling is less and the cuddles are more. I will never beat him so I hope he can learn to trust me. It is strange after my Spike was so completely trusting. I do not see the point in having a dog (or any other animal) without making it happy. I see so many dogs walking along looking so sad- usually horribly over weight. A woman told me her Jack Russell did not want to play like my dog cause she was 7 years old- I did not tell her my Marlene is 10!

2011-04-13T15:04:00.002+02:00

It has been a long time since I last posted- the blog is a space for internal dialogues and I have not been talking to myself.
Anyway I have got a right good depression going now so I am writing again. Spring is a reminder of me getting older as the year renews itself. "Spring is in the green leaf but winter is in the wood."
I find my self looking back at the last spring I felt optimistic about- 1974! when my parents moved us to a place I hated. Lost all my friends and have struggled to make new ones since.
Since then spring has got sadder connotations for me.
I have been looking at the history website for my "home town". I have not visited for years and have lost all contact with the place but some how I feel so nostalgic for the Island. It is a notoriously ugly little town with famously unfriendly inhabitants.
Somehow I want nothing more than a walk by the old oil refinery and down to the old gun site (I think the old turrets and lookout tower have been demolished now). A pint of keg bitter in an inhospitable boozer and a pukka pie.
I guess it would make me no happier if I did visit but the very fact I can not makes it a desire.

Comments

2010-07-06T20:10:00.000+02:00

I can't publish comments on my last post.

Huppa Holland!!!!!!!

2010-07-06T13:51:00.004+02:00

It is getting exciting today. Everyone dressed in orange and making preparations for the big game tonight. I only hope Uruguay don't spoil the party. If Holland win the world cup I am going to ask my bank for a big loan on the day after- I reckon the manager will be good for a million! Seriously though it would be great if Holland win. Amsterdam will go crazy- starting with my neighbours!
It is strange to be in the middle of the excitement. Orange and red white and blue are not my favourite colours for a party- especially in July- I even found myself humming 'The Sash My Father Wore' on the tram- it would be just my luck if I had been sat next to a Glasgow Celtic fan but I don't think any one was more annoyed than would be natural when some idiot starts whistling on a crowded sweaty tram.
Herrad has been up and down with the weather: heat and MS do not mix. When the clouds come over she can use her hands and when the sun comes out she feels dreadful. It is a big change for her from how she was. She loved sunny days and I loved to watch her enjoying them. She was super relaxed and looked great in her summer clothes (she has the best legs since Betty Grable http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hj7ptNYO_Eo&feature=related)
I am so glad she has started to show them off again. They may not obey orders any more but they are still a lovely pair of legs and do not deserve to be hidden away on a hot day. The two of us are very much in love and the MS has intensified my feelings for her. She is the most loveable of people. I am feeling stronger and calmer than I have in a long while. I have cut my food and marijuana intake to the benefit of my body and mind- this was a barely concious procedure. I just felt less desire for both. Marijuana helps me to an extent but it is a double edged sword and can leave me confused and worried if I use too much or at inappropriate times. I now have a little in the evening and it knocks my socks off. Which is handy 'cos it is my preparation for going to bed. I really enjoy the hit and relax into music and then sleep. It is twenty years since I used alcohol. Drink is what I still crave when stressed. I know that drinking would be a disaster for me in any situation but as Herrad's caregiver it would be a disaster for her too. I am glad I do not have an addictive relationship to weed but I do know that my compulsive nature does make me want to use too much. Food, booze, caffeine and speed (in that order) are the killers for me. Only food remains a problem 'cos I can't stop taking it. Weed helps me a lot more than it hurts so I will stick with it for the moment, but in a controlled manner. I hope tonight will be blighted by alcohol abuse: but not my own! Huppa Holland!!!!!

2010-07-04T19:56:00.004+02:00

It has been a while since I posted. I hit a block in what I felt I could write. Much of what I want to scream about is deeply personal to Herrad. She is a strong dignified woman but MS leaves her hurt and vulnerable. It has taken her away ability to control her body and it can be humiliating for her. I make it as matter of fact and straight forward as I can when it happens but I know she feels it deeply so I have not found it easy to write 'Herrad crapped her knickers in bed this morning' and put it on the net. I know she shares a lot of her experience with her blog friends but that is her sharing her own life. I feel like a cad for talking about it.
Herrad posted some photos of her self that she found difficult to look at herself.http://accessdenied-livingwithms.blogspot.com/ I think she looks like a beautiful women who has MS but she saw herself robbed of her looks and strength.
Herrad says in her last post that she is accepting what she looks like now. Maybe I can write a bit now.

I don't know why.

2010-05-27T20:22:00.002+02:00

Suddenly, without warning and totally unwanted I start to get depressed. Negative thoughts dominating my mind. Everything is a huge effort. I can not afford depression!
I wish I wasn't mental.

Good News!

2010-05-27T11:41:00.002+02:00

Herrad can start sitting again on Saturday- the weather has gone nasty here but there is sunshine in my heart!

Not so bad...

2010-05-19T21:23:00.003+02:00

Ton Peeks, the specialist nurse visited us today and he was positive about the wound. He agrees it looks to be a small skin abrasion and nothing more. I think it looks to be healing already.

Light at the end of a tunnel or an oncomming train!

2010-05-16T18:19:00.002+02:00

I am so knocked down I can barely muster the appropriate Anglo Saxon expletives to do justice to my feelings.
Herrad's pressure sore is bleeding again. Just a bit of broken skin. It could be another two months in bed for her.
She will have to cancel a fitting for the chair tomorrow. The weather is due to get nice again. We want to go out together.
It just aint fair!

Some good news!

2010-04-28T18:25:00.002+02:00

Spike is doing fine after his operation. The bones have healed correctly and in a few weeks he should be totally recovered once his knee stabilises. Big relief in the house.

Bob Robert

2010-04-23T14:14:00.006+02:00

Some times you can only cry. BobRobert died. Leaving sad family and friends with happy memories of a wonderful man. The world is colder less compassionate less witty and less beautiful today.

http://spinfortunaswheel.blogspot.com/

For Steve and Bob Robert on Shakespeare's birthday.

2010-04-23T13:50:00.002+02:00

Against my love shall be as I am now,
With Time's injurious hand crush'd and o'erworn;
When hours have drain'd his blood and fill'd his brow
With lines and wrinkles; when his youthful morn
Hath travell'd on to age's steepy night;
And all those beauties whereof now he's king
Are vanishing, or vanished out of sight,
Stealing away the treasure of his spring;
For such a time do I now fortify
Against confounding age's cruel knife,
That he shall never cut from memory
My sweet love's beauty, though my lover's life:
His beauty shall in these black lines be seen,
And they shall live, and he in them still green.

Bo Robert and Steve

2010-04-18T12:11:00.003+02:00

Two of the nicest people I have met in the blogosphere. Bo Robert and Steve.
The moment seems to have arrived for them. Bo Robert is facing his last pain and may not be around for much longer.
The love between these two men has been an inspiration for me. Steve has showed so much courage love and compassion for his beautiful man and done all he could to ease the course of this rotten disease. Fighting all the time for the best support for BR.
Even the love of a great man like Steve can not stop a monster like MS.
A great love story is entering its final chapter. (Title is link to their blog)

Poor wee doggy

2010-03-19T15:02:00.002+01:00

Spike is back from his operation. He is just crying and giving the occasional heart breaking howl.
Six weeks in a cage now. It was a big op and he will be in a lot of pain. Poor wee thing.
Herrad and I are both in bits but being terribly brave. My wee friend!

As many as one a year!

2010-03-18T23:01:00.003+01:00

Herrad's birthday yesterday was a good day. She got loads of flowers, old friends dropped by and she shared a glass of bubbly. I made a a pretty little cake and a favourite dinner.
So glad she had a good time. I feel terribly responsible for Herrad's moods. I feel such a failure when she is sad. I understand rationally that I can not stop the pain of MS and the frustration of her situation making her feel sad but emotionally I am ripped apart when she cries. I would put my hand in a blender if it would stop her hurting. But nothing will stop her hurting.
Yesterday we got past the MS- it was her day: laughing, singing and revelling in the love sent from all round the world. A happy birthday. Today we had a more medical sort of day but that was not so bad either. Tomorrow my wee doggy goes for an operation so I am off to bed ready for the big day for little Spikey.
If you sent Herrad a birthday greeting thank you very much- she loved them!

still here still getting bye

2010-03-09T14:07:00.002+01:00

I am still here, still getting bye. Worries are always with me but I am less oppressed by them than I have been.
Herrad's wound opening again and the dog being sick plus the winter blues got a bit on top of me. I am trying to spring clean house body and mind and go forward in a positive manner.
I want to do something daft- all my life I have taken the less sensible option but right now I am Mr Responsible. I need to be a good boy so I will be a good boy but I want an outlet for the crazy side.
I am toying with doing motorcycle lessons and buying an old bike. I saw a Benelli Tornado from 1970 and a Bonny from 64. I could afford one.I would not have time to drive much but I could keep it in the living room and stroke it Only thing is I am a crap mechanic. I have a touch like an elephant with delicate machinery.
We will see what we can do.

two dangerous old pot heads

2009-12-08T17:14:00.000+01:00

Scary scary world!

2009-12-08T16:22:00.003+01:00

I have not been writing -in fact I have been hiding. I was right into communicating and contacted old friends and was contributing to some discussion forums but then I just felt too exposed- too open. Assumptions made and questions asked made me feel obliged to be explaining every thing to every body all the time. I need friends in real time and face to face and suddenly the inadequacies of cyber friendship mocked my isolation more than alleviated it. I despaired at the stupidity of some of the nasties who have to leave vicious comments on vulnerable peoples blogs. Any way I am either feeling a bit better or going into a manic phase- either way I should be active again- must dash Herrad is calling.

Today was a good one

2009-10-29T22:54:00.002+01:00

The new chair fits great on Herrad and holds her in a nice strong upright position. The professionals were great and it all went without too much stress for Herrad. We shall soon be able to take advantage of it and get out the house.
Happy day.

ANC terror in South Africa- Mandela's Stalinist legacy

2009-09-30T21:04:00.002+02:00

Thanks Jessica

2009-09-28T20:08:00.002+02:00

Big thanks to Jessica for commenting on an old post- a very heavy one at a sad time and then a big silence. It was a bad time and I did find things to much for me. I wanted to hide away. I found I could not cope with discussion groups I was contributing to- I dreaded visitors, I lost all my confidence.
Herrad is now stable and we are doing ok. She has had some effects and has more difficulty with her hands. We are adjusting and getting on with it so maybe I can start posting again.

just cos I love it

2009-09-05T14:01:00.001+02:00

Oh shi...

2009-09-03T19:53:00.002+02:00

Today Herrad has got worse. She is hurting real bad and can use her hands less. I can see how scared she is. A distant hurt look in her eyes- like an abused animal. I am shocked and scared.
It is my nightmare coming closer.
OK big smile and keep my chin up.
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A poem

2009-08-30T22:57:00.003+02:00

I never get round to finishing my poems- they sit for years before I start to feel they are getting near a finished state. To get over this extreme control freakery I have started posting raw work on my other blog- I have one piece that says something I wanted to say and says it quite well. I hope it expresses something of what other people may have experienced so I have posted it here- maybe not a great poem but it is honest.

How high do you have to set a spam filter to block compassion?
MS does not mean Mr. Gates.
No virus linked to her system failure
She is no threat
But you set her into quarantine
In case her pain upsets you.

Disease makes people uncomfortable.
Not every friend is worth caring for.
You made your choice:
Comfort before honour.

Get on with your life
Have fun
We wish you no ill
Because we know you are a little dead
And not qualified to share our beauty.

Shock in Heaven

2009-08-26T12:56:00.001+02:00

Edward Kennedy fails to arrive!

Ukele wonder

2009-08-19T21:25:00.005+02:00

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/images/B002AMUJGQ/ref=dp_image_z_0?ie=UTF8&n=5174&s=music

http://killianmansfield.org/

Ticking over-

2009-08-16T15:23:00.003+02:00

I am coping as well as I have for some time. I am getting over the incident with the jerk and his dog. I have had to force my self to get through the door at times but I kept doing it. Slowly it became less frightening. Now I can even believe I enjoyed shopping yesterday and going to the market was a pleasure again. In the last months these experiences have been a paranoid nightmare. Every few moments another panic.(Purse! Keys! ID card! phone!) I can not run away like I would have done before Herrad's illness- I have to care for Herrad I have to do the shopping I have to talk to the "care" professionals: no time to freak out! I can not stop freaking out so I am acting normal whilst screaming inside. Oh well I would have liked to be an actor if only I could learn the lines- memory of a fish- but I can improvise and work up quite a nice little performance as "care giver".
I hate living in this house. I leave and enter through a communal front gate and have nothing but unpleasant confrontations with the filth who live around us. A stupid nasty anti-social family drag the whole place down. Their child provokes the other children to behave badly and the adults show no concern for any of the consequences. I believe they must hate their children because they smoke cigarettes in the lift with them. When I use the lift after them I choke in the filthy air. I guess that is the atmosphere the children grow up in. The adults are not in good health themselves and I have heard that strokes are caused by both inherited factors and environmental factors. I wonder if tobacco counts as inheritance or environment. Daddy provides both for the children.
I hate gangsters and hard men most of all- just stupid little selfish boys who fail to reach emotional adulthood. I have often had dealings with such people and am always shocked by what limited jerks they are. They hide behind violence. They are so scared of the world of compassion. It is the one challenge they can not cope with. They have no belief that they can be more than a big stupid greedy animal- consuming and not creating. Indeed they are a model of all that is wrong with human society- they have the selfishness of the trading floor and apply it to personal relationships. The trader kills and robs and enslaves by proxy but the hood does it personally, so in some ways you could almost see them as more moral than the man who never sees the blood he spills. The trader acknowledges the state monopoly on violence whilst the hood has not got the financial enforcement of the legal system so he uses his own gun- not the coppers. Both hood and trader are the same useless parasite that lives off the labour of others. Both despise honest workers. Both are enemies of freedom.
Any way a good rant! I feel better and I hear the shits are trying for a new house- make it happen soon and far far away!
I hope that I can avoid the scum till either he kills himself with his ciggies or he moves.

A great figure in the history of the world has died.

2009-08-13T19:55:00.002+02:00

A real American genius!

Poems and things

2009-08-11T11:26:00.005+02:00

I am trying to get back to creative writing. I have started to write at least one idea out in note or simple form every day then spend every fifth day editing what I have got.
I tried to participate in a peer to peer review site but found it a bit too haphazard. A piece of greeting card sentimental verse, a concrete poem, a minimalistic twelve words over six lines and covering the whole page and a high school angst filled cry for understanding. I just did not know what to say. The one poem I had some time for stylistically I found a little trite and banal but could do nothing but praise it in the context. The reviews for my poems were mostly useless. Only one person had worked out that it was literary poem- (even though the author I was writing about was in the first line!)- as a result I felt the other reviews were of little value. I need a different set of peers.
The other big worry was giving marks- how can I value a poem on a numeric scale of worth?
Anyway I am now doing a little more writing and putting some organisation into it. An experiment is not a failure if it has a result-even if the result is to prove something does not work.
I am getting some nice funny little poems written that bring me a lot of pleasure. I will start putting them on my other blog soon.

It will hurt so much.

2009-07-26T21:49:00.003+02:00

Herrad posted today about the end of her life- eased out of it by the lovely Dr Dagmah. We hope in our own home and peacefully- with Motorhead playing "Ace Of Spades" at full blast- maybe not we will see. It will be Herrad's choice. I miss Britain a lot. We were planning to move to Wales when Herrad got sick. At first I was choked we had to stay here- I need some bloody hills! but now I don't mind. There is a lot wrong in this country but this they have right- without weed to help ease the pain and spasms and the assurance of a dignified end to life I think Herrad may have chosen to end her life before the MS got so bad. What a loss!
I can not think what I will do without her. I do not enjoy doing things without her. Going to the cinema or to a concert is about sharing the experience with Herrad- talking to her is what I like to do most.
I will need a bloody job as well- shit.
Most of all I will be just so lonely.
I will do all I can to keep her enjoying life for as long as she can.

all one folk at heart

2009-07-26T21:45:00.001+02:00

I didn't know you had Morris dancing in New Orleans!

Get over it!

2009-07-24T22:50:00.005+02:00

I was neglectful and allowed Herrad to get a skin infection. I spotted it in time and it is under control but it was something I thought I had covered. Herrad being stuck in bed and so immobile and the hot sticky weather- all factors but I need to be on top of them all.
Since Tuesday I have been feeling like I have been balancing on the edge of the abyss- I have felt that within a week my neglect will have killed her and it will be all my fault and it is all just too much.
Today I have got balance back again. Yeah a mistake was made. Not the first and unlikely to be the last. It did do some damage to Herrad and she would have felt pain if her nervous system worked. I will always feel bad when I get it wrong but I remain determined to get it right next time. I get it right most times and I learn from the mistakes.
Life is too short to worry- I have waisted two days with anxiety. Time to move on.

Essential information.

2009-07-17T12:10:00.002+02:00

Cricket: As explained to a foreigner...

You have two sides, one out in the field and one in. Each man that's in the side that's in goes out, and when he's out he comes in and the next man goes in until he's out. When they are all out, the side that's out comes in and the side thats been in goes out and tries to get those coming in, out. Sometimes you get men still in and not out.

When a man goes out to go in, the men who are out try to get him out, and when he is out he goes in and the next man in goes out and goes in. There are two men called umpires who stay all out all the time and they decide when the men who are in are out. When both sides have been in and all the men have out, and both sides have been out twice after all the men have been in, including those who are not out, that is the end of the game!

Now an instructional video on how to treat an Ausie batsman.

A good day to you all!

2009-07-16T13:26:00.002+02:00

Herrad before the sore.

Super nurse Ton Peeks came round and has given the all clear for Herrad to start the process of sitting up again!
I am so happy! It will be year of Herrad being stuck in bed next month. A whole year.
I did not think I would get through some of it. But we have got through this one. She is still here. Still with me and we are ready to face the next challenge.
Yipeeeeeee!
Now if England can only thrash the Ausies at Lords today my joy will be unbounded!

Nout so queer

2009-07-13T00:35:00.001+02:00

To get it straight- the banner behind the men is supposed to be anti homo- some repressed emotions there one thinks!

good news and forward the workers

2009-07-11T23:43:00.005+02:00

Something good. Willis (my wonder neighbour) stopped the man with the dog on the street and asked him what he was playing at. She secured an apology and an assurance it will not happen again. I had also found out the house he lives in is a squat that was organised by the "Kraakbewegging" (the squatters movement). I emailed them directly about the problem and Herrad phoned an old friend from the squat scene. The idiots behaviour was not approved of as it is not only personally abhorrent it is also damaging to the movement so they asked him to watch what he was up to. So I am not scared any more and you could say that the community functioned as it should- no one hurt no one locked up. He was having a bad time himself and over reacted. It should not of happened but that is city life. He is unlikely to make future confrontations with me and that is all I really care about. If he does I know who to ask now.
Willis is a great neighbour to have and I am glad that the squat movement still takes it's social responsibilities seriously. The right wing VVD party is campaigning to have the house evicted and would use the incident to pressurise the local government to act. Despite the idiot with a dog I would rather see the house full of bright lively young people with a DIY internet cafe downstairs than a boarded up shell; there is no money to fund the redevelopment so the block would stand derelict indefinitely.
I have been on anarchist forums in the last few weeks. I have been committed to the unfashionable cause of communism most of my adult life and have found the lack of opportunity to participate in the struggle (such as it is) very frustrating. As it is I am now in discussion about communist perspectives of life as a carer with a carer for a severely learning handicapped child an elderly comrade looking after his partner with dementia and a chap who has just lost his partner after caring for her for many years. An interesting discussion is just starting. Unfortunately for me the others are UK based so a lot of specific issues do not apply to my situation but the broader discussion about the role of care givers and the ways care is given may prove to be very interesting. I would hope I could at least gain some social insights from Herrad's MS- I get very little else from it.

A letter to a star- she should be acting not bullshitting!

2009-06-27T13:58:00.000+02:00

Dear Ms.Jackson, I was a rail worker prior to the New Labour election victory.
I remember you stood outside an LUL station cutting up a map of the system to represent the Tory plan to break up LUL into privately run companies and claiming that you would never let this happen.
You said such a carve up would be a disaster for the network and you were right: in government you did carve it up and it was a disaster.
Some management consultants got a bucket full of money but the poor old Underground got stuffed.
Did you tell us that you would protect LUL just to get elected?
Do you believe that "private public partnership" is any thing more than a way of giving public money to the crooked and incompetent?
Do you understand why workers like me will never vote for liars like New Labour again?
I am so ashamed I was once a member of your party.
Richie Maguire

As he should be remembered... before it all got nasty

2009-06-26T00:49:00.002+02:00

Born the same year as me- a stranger journey than even mine!
he was a so talented... shame it all got so horrible

Unhappy but...

2009-06-24T13:37:00.002+02:00

I am still all over the place emotionally and am not enjoying this period at all- but with saying that I have had some great moments of pleasure and some small triumphs.
I made tamarind balls for Herrad- a taste of her childhood combining three things that grow in Trinidad- tamarind sugar and Scotch Bonnet chilli peppers. Not enough chilli in the first batch but I know how it is done now (very easy). Next was coo-coo: cornmeal with okra. It is a dish from Trinidad's African heritage. Again much easier than I feared and I got it just how she likes it first go- which was not bad 'cos I have never even eaten it before so I was working without any idea of what "good" would be like. I served it with a tvp curry and dahl.
We got the Pakistani honey mangos (the best I have ever had)in the shops again so I am working on the taste buds and hoping the heart will follow.
Thanks for the nice words from the last moan. It does help.

Waisting oxygen.

2009-06-21T10:42:00.002+02:00

Today it is all too much. Herrad being sick pushes me to the edge anyway. Now I am scared to go out because of the jerk. I am feeling trapped and desperate. My life feels like one big losing battle. Right now this morning I do not want to wake to another like this.
Don't worry. I have said it now and feel just a little better. If you have done-thanks for reading.

2009-06-18T14:04:00.002+02:00

It was a huge relief to hear that Spike is not sick. He had a blocked gland and has not got cancer. It was what I believed to be true when I first noticed a little lump on his nose was not a tick or a scrape from playing. I guessed it would be nothing and rationalised it would be nothing but still when we got the news I felt like a huge weight was off my shoulders.
I have had another worry. A jerk with a big viscous dog. The halfwit moved in to the neighbourhood a few months ago. His dog is big and free running and attacked my nine year old Jack Russell bitch. The jerk then tried to attack me and has vowed to get me for saving my dog.
I have been worried shitless and find it hard to leave the house.
I am scared and angry. Mostly because he has taken me back to a place in my mind I do not want to go. I have lived in shithead's world. I can operate on that level but I am better than that. He has been reported to the police and I have been approached by neighbours who saw the prick in action.
My tension has made Herrad physically worse- MS is always made worse by stress...
Stupid fucker so he is!

CNN and BBC banned this video of murder in Iran

2009-06-15T23:19:00.001+02:00

Worried.

2009-06-06T00:02:00.002+02:00

I had to take Spikey to the vet today. He has a little growth on his nose. The vet thinks it is very likely be a recurrence of a benign tumour he had some years ago. He will go in to have it removed next Thursday and the offending item sent for a biopsy.
It is nothing to worry about.
Only I am worried to pieces.
Spikey is very dear to Herrad and me.

Nout so queer as... penguins!

2009-06-04T19:50:00.003+02:00

'Gay penguins' rear adopted chick
A Humboldt penguin chick
Humboldt penguin numbers are declining in the wild
Two "gay" male penguins have hatched a chick and are now rearing it as its adoptive parents, says a German zoo.

The zoo, in Bremerhaven, northern Germany, says the adult males - Z and Vielpunkt - were given an egg which was rejected by its biological parents.

It says the couple are now happily rearing the chick, said to have reached four weeks old.

The zoo made headlines in 2005 over plans to "test" the sexual orientation of penguins with homosexual traits.

Three pairs of male penguins had been seen attempting to mate with each other and trying to hatch offspring from stones.

Since the chick arrived, they have been behaving just as you would expect a heterosexual couple to do

The zoo flew in four females in a bid to get the endangered birds to reproduce - but quickly abandoned the scheme after causing outrage among gay rights activists, who accused it of interfering in the animals' behaviour.

The six "gay" penguins remain at the zoo, among them Z and Vielpunkt who are now rearing the chick together after being given the rejected egg.

"Z and Vielpunkt, both males, gladly accepted their 'Easter gift' and got straight down to raising it," said a zoo statement.

"Since the chick arrived, they have been behaving just as you would expect a heterosexual couple to do. The two happy fathers spend their days attentively protecting, caring for and feeding their adopted offspring."

Humboldt penguins are normally found in coastal Peru and Chile, but their numbers have been dwindling due to overfishing, reports the AFP news agency.

'Drive to mate'

There have been previous reports of exclusive male-to-male pairings among penguins, some of which have also included the rearing of chicks.

Homosexual behaviour is well documented in many different animals, but it is not understood in detail, says Professor Stuart West, an evolutionary biologist at the University of Oxford.

Professor West says it has been suggested that homosexual activity could serve various purposes - for instance, it may relate to social bonding and establishment of dominance among bonobo chimps, while in some bird species, females may come together to rear young.

Other animals may simply exhibit a "drive to mate", while others may, like humans, enjoy non-procreative sexual activity.

"Homosexuality is nothing unusual among animals," Bremerhaven zoo said on Wednesday.

"Sex and coupling up in our world do not necessarily have anything to do with reproduction." that's a relief!
from BBC News website

The excitement builds!

2009-05-28T22:15:00.004+02:00

South Africa rugby team (the Springboks) versus the combined English Welsh Scottish and Irish team "The Lions" produces one of the fiercest competitions in world sport. For generations the South Africans dominated physically with outright violent tactics. In 1974 Northern Ireland police sergeant and Lions captain, Willie John McBride, devised a strategy to beat them at their own game- if a a Lion was punched (or kicked,stamped on, eye gouged) the cry "Ninety nine" went up and every Lion punched the nearest Springbok. Some test matches were battles but eventually the Springboks were pushed back and the Lions won the series. When the Lions beat the invincible 'Boks Nelson Mandela and his fellow prisoners on Robin Island cheered and street parties broke out in Soweto.
When the current Lions go to SA it will be as competitive but hopefully less violent and the new 'Boks reflect the new RSA: their biggest fan is Nelson Mandela.

Caregiver falsely convicted of murder.

2009-05-28T11:00:00.010+02:00

If you can spare a moment for Susan please take a look.

For more info this is Susan's blog
Here is her web site

My inspiration

2009-05-26T13:21:00.004+02:00

It has not been so good for Herrad in the last few weeks. Today was the first day in a while she woke just calling out in pain and not having a big cry. I have learned to ask if it is anything specific that I can help with or is it just MS. Just MS has been the answer. Just her body being slowly destroyed and her world limited to a bedroom. I stroke the bits that she can still feel and tell her that I love her. Fetch her some weed and then enlist the help of the dogs. The sunshine that has been streaming in from the window this month was replaced by a day best described in the words of my late Scottish granny; "Dreech an' druchit"(the Scots language has many ways to describe rain!). But today after the massage and pills Herrad opened up her computer- straight to her blog- and comments came flooding in bringing such sunshine into the day.
I am so glad people like Herrad. The things people say are so generous but I truly believe she deserves every compliment. I see her every day- good bad and indifferent and I see her being grumpy and sometimes she can be a down right grouch but she is never less than wonderful. She is always so very loving to me.
Some people commenting have religious views that colour their understanding and language, we may not share their beliefs but the kind sentiments show them to be such good sweet people. I like to be reminded that what ever the outside appearance of separation we are all one people and hold more in common than divides us. Herrad has always helped me to think kindly about people and not to loose my self in anger. I am so glad that other people see just how well she is handling this totally unacceptable situation just as she has gone through much in her life. Nothing can diminish her dignity. She is my inspiration and I am glad that she can share her brilliance with so many others. Without her blog she would be so lonely and making friends has always been her thing. I am so grateful to everyone in the blogosphere who helps me care for my darling. Love to you all.

This is just to say....

2009-05-17T17:31:00.002+02:00

Herrad,
I bought a punnet of over ripe strawberries yesterday
and I ate them all absent mindedly whilst listening to the cricket,
sorry. I bought them for you!
I feel like a monster.

Before the first coffee!

2009-05-17T16:41:00.003+02:00

I should have written this before I read Herrad's blog and left my comment there.
Not the quiet Sunday awakening I had hoped for. It was obvious there was a problem with Herrad's catheter- not enough in her urine bag (we refer to it as "the wet purse")so I knew it must be blocked. I detached the wet purse and tried to flush the catheter with a brine rinse- nothing was coming or going. Herrad called the doctors and they arrived just as I was returning with the dogs from a relief mission. It was all very quick and civilised. What made it work was Herrad taking the initiative in making it a friendly and co-operative enterprise. Relaxed doctors work better so Herrad always tries to make it easy for them. She was pushing at an open door today because they were a very nice team. The doctor was a very nice friendly professional and the para-medic one of the special breed of gentle giant Dutch men. His head almost scraped the top of the door frame as he came through and he was quite sporty in physique but he never felt to be dominating. In England I would say he was definitely gay but in Amsterdam he was just probably gay. Shame he was gone so quick 'cos I have a friend looking for a boyfriend and he was quite a catch for some one!
It has been a bit more restful since then and despite the rain falling down outside I feel warm and sunny within. Herrad was great.

Cake and custard

2009-05-13T18:44:00.002+02:00

Sweet day- nothing much to report. Just having a nice relaxed day when every chore is a delight. We had a conversation about comfort food last night. We both remembered motorcycle journeys in English Spring weather when an old fashioned transport cafe and a cup of hot tea with milk and sugar got life back into dead fingers. I remembered a place just North of Carlisle on the road to Scotland. When I hitch-hiked this was often a place I would get stuck. If I had any cash I would go in and have cake and custard- enough calories to fight off hypothermia and fuel me for last hundred miles home. After sharing this tale with Herrad I knew that it would be compulsory for me to make cake and custard tonight.
I am her very favourite husband now!
My flowers in the window boxes and in the tubs on the balcony are coming on nicely, the dogs all crashed out and floppy. One last walk round the block with them in a minute then off duty. Sweet day.
ps. Banana cake and lemon and coconut custard.

Sad twisted minds and dead dogs dicks.

2009-05-11T11:55:00.011+02:00

My friend has received anonymous hateful comments on his blog. He is a sick man facing arthritis, MS, cardiac problems, and a bad back. He is also the full-time carer for his elderly and increasingly senile mother.
He writes infrequently but touchingly honestly. He is always quick to leave a kind and supportive comment on other peoples blogs and has large following of men and women around the world who have been touched and moved by his simple story of triumph over circumstance. He is loved.
Somebody has sent him hurtful and stupid comments. He is a tough old bird and quite up to looking after himself so I wont go into the detail.
http://mortonlake-caring-and-sharing.blogspot.com/2009/05/comments-anon.html
We open up and share our lives to make for a better understanding of the human condition. I write this blog to let go of pain and to contact other people in the similar circumstances so we can learn from each other and support each other through the bad times. Malicious and disturbed individuals are part of that condition and we have to deal with them. I moderate my comments but have never had cause to reject one.
If I received a hate comment I would maybe use it as a foil to write about but I doubt if I would publish it. If you want to have go have a go I love argument but I will not get involved in a slanging match with some one who I have no respect for. Put forward your thesis and defend it- that is how we learn what is sound and what is false.
On the other hand I love to have a go at people and organisations I do not agree with- I love a good argument but I have to have at least some respect for my opponent. Insult trading is a poor substitute for demolishing an argument.
Oh and if you want to have a go at insulting me my old colleague Mick Connelly set the bar quite high when he covered the West End of Glasgow with the legend "Richie Maguire Sucks Dead Dogs Dicks" I wish I still had a photo to show you!(of the graffiti not me and a dead dog!) If you read this Mick lots of love.

Pain and law makers

2009-05-10T17:16:00.008+02:00

It has been a better week. Sense of humour still struggling to hit old levels but more is becoming amusing and less is seeming horrific.
Wobbly yesterday due to over tiredness. It was a wobbly and not so good but I knew all the time what was wrong and a good nights sleep seems to have been the remedy. A week ago I would have felt as if it was all a great cosmic abyss into which I am descending. As it is I knew it was a bad day 'cos I was knackered.
I got a big fright yesterday from Steve and BR on http://spinfortunaswheel.blogspot.com/
Subsequent posts have proved more optimistic but at the time it hit me just how fond I am of these two men.
I am so angry that prejudice stops BR getting the medication he needs. I see how Herrad gets relief from THC vapour. The THC reduces the spasms that cause the pain- other painkillers numb out some of the pain and a big chunk of conciousness. We use weed 'cos it works and because the Professor of Neurological Medicine we consulted recommended it.
It is strange that Americans are refused the best treatment available when it is herb that grows for next to nothing.
Rationality must prevail over prejudice and the law must change. I do not care how it is organised- I would not mind if it was the Devil incarnate or even Donald Rumsfield got the contract to supply but MS sufferers must receive the relief! The position of the US in world politics allowed small town prejudice to get weed put on the UN narcotics list- time for the supertanker of US opinion to turn round and bring about the change MS sufferers need.

Happy May Day to workers every where... and gumboils to the rich!

2009-05-01T14:21:00.004+02:00

“How many wrathful people, young people, will be with us when the red and black banners wave in the wind of anger! What a tidal wave it will be when the red and black banners rise around the old wreck!

"The red banner, which has always stood for liberty, frightens the executioners because it is so red with our blood. The black flag, with layers of blood upon it from those who wanted to live by working or die by fighting, frightens those who want to live off the work of others. Those red and black banners wave over us mourning our dead and wave over our hopes for the dawn that is breaking.”

Oh no!

2009-04-30T16:13:00.004+02:00

I hate the Queens Day holiday for political reasons- (today I hate it 'cos we can't participate)- but it does bring a lot of pleasure to a lot of people so I bury my republicanism and when we could get around it we did and had a good time. It is a strange celebration and I enjoy feeling foreign- cos I am! It is nice to be so close to something that is not my own. It has given me insights into English culture that have helped me understand being English. What I notice most is how friendly drunken Dutch people are compared to my compatriots. Even if they are decked out like a Rangers supporters club I learned to smile and join in.
Today a crazy drove a car into a crowd of people cheering for the royal party as they went by on an open top bus. To date four people have died.
Nice happy smiling laughing Dutch people enjoying the spring sunshine.
The day is still sunny and people are still having a party in the streets here 96 kilometres from the mayhem. Life goes on.
An update: now it has all stopped. As word has got round the sound systems have been switched off and people are making their way home prematurely. Today is second only to New Year here for parties. It is now a strange silent end to the big day. One boat went by with mournful Amsterdam music playing loudly other than that only children's voices can be heard on the streets- not even much traffic.

Joy pain laughter and pot plants

2009-04-28T11:57:00.004+02:00

Herrad woke with a howl this morning. She was in a lot of pain physically but from her eyes I could see she had been looking into that dark abyss that is future. We held our faces together and shared hundreds of gentle little kisses till she could stop crying. I got her some weed vapour and Spike and Marleen applied their regime of dog love. We managed to get back to enjoying the moment again and are now awaiting the visit of her physiotherapist. (Hey she arrived just on the completion of the word!)
Herrad is doing OK and so am I but we are both confronting new problems. Life becomes a process of managing worsening situations. She does not post all the pains and humiliations she suffers. It is not for me to tell: we are still strangely a very private couple. I will say that her courage is humbling to witness and I am privileged to share with her.
I am back to some type of mental normality after being up and down like a... very emotional over the last weeks.
With help from a lovely friend I got some pots and earth and plants on Saturday and now the balcony and Herrad's window box look as if they are part of a cottage garden (deep joy!). It is a pleasure to see see life and colour when you come out the lift. Other neighbours seem determined to drag our building into a slum and as I have no desire to make a confrontation with them I think my best course of action is to inflict beauty on them. They can scowl at me but I shall smile back. I regard everyone as potentially my equal and I hope that one day even my neighbours can love themselves enough to stop behaving like arseholes and join the rest of us in the pursuit of joy. I wont hold my breath.

Happy Days

2009-04-27T20:47:00.001+02:00

I shall strive...

2009-04-24T16:16:00.002+02:00

Mohawk cropped nicely, face shaved and body showered. New exploding skull t shirt on. Ready to take on the world, I will at least go get the groceries when I work up the courage. I hope the people are behind me!

My birthday present from Herrad

2009-04-23T18:40:00.000+02:00

Thanks Herrad XXX

Happy birthday to all Shakespeare lovers.

2009-04-23T16:40:00.003+02:00

A woman's face with Nature's own hand painted
Hast thou, the master-mistress of my passion;
A woman's gentle heart, but not acquainted
With shifting change, as is false women's fashion;
An eye more bright than theirs, less false in rolling,
Gilding the object whereupon it gazeth;
A man in hue, all 'hues' in his controlling,
Much steals men's eyes and women's souls amazeth.
And for a woman wert thou first created;
Till Nature, as she wrought thee, fell a-doting,
And by addition me of thee defeated,
By adding one thing to my purpose nothing.
But since she prick'd thee out for women's pleasure,
Mine be thy love and thy love's use their treasure.

Earl of Southampton- was he the boy!

My third dog.

2009-04-23T14:23:00.005+02:00

My third dog. When my old dog Daisy got older we got Spike to keep her company and perk her interest levels up. At first she was not convinced that another dog was what she needed and a mad Jack Russell from the rescue did not fit into her well run life. Once she had literally licked him into shape he realised that resistance was futile. She would pin him down and hold is entire head in her mouth and growl gently. I was terrified but he just went all soft and puppy like. They would then sit together and she would look lovingly at him and he looked very proud. As Daisy was getting older we decided on dog three- not to replace Daisy but to be there for the wee lad when she died. We thought we would have four or five years when we got Marleen. She was a loved but neglected dog. Her previous owner could not cope with the her and her new baby. The dog had been chronically over fed and under exercised. She was so overweight she could not get in and out of her dog bed. She could not groom herself without rolling around on her belly but could never get to her hind quarters. She weighed 12 kilos when she arrived; she is now 6 kilos. She has become the most sweet lovely active dog and Daisy loved her from minute one.
After two years Daisy got cancer. It was very swift. She had one tumour removed then a year later she got an unrelated cancer and her lungs were full of pea sized tumours which could be suppressed with chemo but would kill her eventually. I saw the fear in the old girls face when it hit her- we had had a great day in the park and she got a little weary on the way home. She ate her dinner then just slept till bedtime. When I took them for the last walk around she was very tired. I had to carry her outside. She was panting and was in such pain. I gave her painkillers left over from the surgery. As soon as they kicked in she wanted to cuddle and even played a little. We took her to the vet and we got the worst news. No hope. I came home with her on the bicycle with her in the trailer. The pain killers were working and when I looked behind I saw her happy smiley Staffie face looking back at me with her ears flapping joyously in the wind. The next day Herrad and I took her to be euthanasied. Howl!
Marleen stepped up to be the top bitch and after a few days Spike stopped looking for Daisy when Herrad got off the tram at night. We will always miss a character like Daisy but life goes on. Spike and Marleen have become an inseparable and devoted partnership and are a daily joy. We planned to get another dog about now. We wanted to get another dog from the rescue and give it a good life- it worked with my Spike, he was in three homes before he found someone mad enough to keep him and he is now such a lovely little companion.
I have been watching more television than I consider healthy. I have not abandoned it entirely like some of my friends but at one time watched about two hours a week (soccer mostly). Since Herrad and I have been stuck at home more we have got the habit again. Most times choosing a channel is more pain limitation than searching out gems. Animal rescue programs (Philedelphia, Houston and Phoenix) appeal to a couple of old dog lovers like us so we watch Animal Planet re-runs of five year old reality tv. It has convinced me of one thing: I do not want to take another dog in this situation. So much of the neglect on the tv is from well meaning over committing. When I got sick (pneumonia) last year Spike and Marleen were going bonkers for lack of walking and general attention. I guess I would not have the two dogs we have now if I knew we would be living with MS as well. It would not be fair to bring another dog into this uncertainty. Yet another bit of MS shit. I am so glad other people have the companionship of their pets to help them get through a day with MS. I see how a bit of dog love can get Herrad smiling again on a bad morning and I hate to think how fat I would become if they did not walk me!
I would encourage anyone thinking about a new pet to try the local shelter first.

Working through it.

2009-04-16T14:44:00.003+02:00

I am still a bit too upset to say things are going well. I am a bit less stressed out but still on the edge of my nerves all the time.
Some days have been worse than others and each day a mixture of good and bad but I have felt slightly better every day. I have extended the exercise regime (still pathetic but at least it now exists) and have started writing some fiction again. I do not think that I am creating anything worthwhile but I enjoy controlling a small part of the universe-even if it exists only in my imagination. I have strong plot and character elements but I doubt if I have the discipline to take it to more than a few chapters. Never the less it works for me now. Maybe if I keep going eventually I can have enough to edit together. A strong theme of the redemptive nature of love runs through most of my writing. I guess I can never quite kill my optimism despite my negative frame of mind.
Strange things happen when you are feeling strange. Pigeons are trying to nest in our gutters- not wanting bird crap all over our landing and balcony I chase them off before they can get a nest built. I waved my hands violently towards them shouting wildly- my house keys flew out of my hand over the yard and into the neighbouring yard. This was being used as a depot for the building company renovating the neighbourhood. Their work is finished and the house locked up.
I did my ninja bit! Climbed onto the outbuildings down the other side retrieved the keys and climbed back. I was amazed I could not only still do this kind of thing but I did quite easily. It was an unexpected highlight of the week- just call me Spiderman!

Morisseys inspiration- the king of Norhtern Angst

2009-04-16T13:49:00.005+02:00

He is still wowing audiences but never gets the credit for founding a genre.

The danger of taking yourelf too seriously

2009-04-14T12:49:00.001+02:00

At least I aint a Manc

Minor achievments- major triumphs.

2009-04-13T12:30:00.002+02:00

Yesterday I got it right! I sneaked Herrad's Easter egg into her without her noticing. She was convinced that the state I have been in for the last couple of weeks there would be no egg.
The squeal of delight when she saw it was the biggest rush I have experienced!
She is my best drug.

For all the geezers what aint fick like wot we is

2009-04-12T23:11:00.002+02:00

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A memory

2009-04-12T20:43:00.002+02:00

I have been anxious and manic today. Buzzing around with unnatural and unfocusable energy. It hit me that there was something that helped with this feeling, then I remembered: I used to get hammered!
Seventeen years on the wagon and I still miss the uisce beatha!

Personal Indulgence

2009-04-12T18:35:00.002+02:00

Be Happy!

2009-04-12T18:02:00.007+02:00

Max Wall was the funniest act I ever saw. His mixture of the endearing and the grotesque was the inspiration for my attempts at comedy. Alas I am not the clown Max was (he was a student of the great Zog in Paris if ye know your clowning) so I managed the grotesque but lacked the endearing.
There are not many clowns at the top of comedy- I can only think of Lee Evans and of course Robin Williams (not that I have heard of him doing comedy for a long time now). It is bloody hard to make clowning work in a 'Stand Up' orientated business.

Stanley Unwin was a wonder- I am five years old every time I hear his nonsense.

My heritage of folk music

2009-04-12T16:55:00.002+02:00

The great outdoors

2009-04-12T12:58:00.000+02:00

A friend just sent us some pictures of the snow melting and spring getting into the buds. Just trees and a wild river and some undulating hills. I howled like a baby.
I miss getting out into the hills more than sex. I could get on my bike when I lived in Glasgow and get to Ben Lomond in an hour and a half. I often did it at five in the morning and be back for the afternoon. In recalling I am still amazed that at the time I was doing this I had a huge beer gut- I must have drunk one hell of a lot.

Does this apply to neurologists?

2009-04-11T17:53:00.000+02:00

A near miss.

2009-04-10T19:49:00.000+02:00

I was right to be worried for my friend on the oil rig. He knew two of the men who died and had planned to have a beer with them over the weekend when he got home. He had to fly back to Aberdeen a few days after the crash and before the bodies had been recovered. He is not sure what to do next. There is no money anywhere else but this was close to home.
I was glad he called even though I knew he was safe. He is a special friend- he told Herrad she would love me a year before we met. Herrad being the woman she is tried not to like me when he introduced us. She eventually had to agree with him.

Maggie Smith and Kenneth Wlliams

2009-04-10T11:55:00.001+02:00

Two of my favourite actors perform for the author- Betjeman is not a favourite poet but he was such a nice one.

When I first posted I left an N out of Kenneth- I can still hear him squawking in outrage. I have never got to see either in a theatre- still a chance with Maggie and I will take it if ever it comes. I am quite star struck with the lovely Ms. Smith.

I must keep going!

2009-04-10T11:12:00.000+02:00

Today I aim to keep myself as positive as I can manage. We started the day with Herrad crying from pain physical and mental. It is part of my responsibility to her to create the atmosphere she needs to sustain her emotionally. In the last few days I have not been able to do this. Depression is a disease I suffer from just as MS is a disease Herrad suffers from. Sometimes her MS affects my depression and sometimes my depression affects her MS. Today Jack Russell therapy combined with massage and thc soon had us enjoying the April sunshine streaming through the windows. The radio offered us the twin delights of ranting against the new Bishop of Westminster (RC top dog in England) and a lovely programme about Laurence Olivier and the founding of the National Theatre. BBC Radio 4 can be fun!
Thanks for the encouraging comments. They help. I use this space to let go when it is going bad for me. It is part of making it better. As I write out my woes I find them less daunting. I am right to feel fear and sadness in a scary sad time. It is not stylistic that I usually end with a lighter remark. When I read back my grim tale I find it a little funny and I can not take things quite as seriously. Even in the worst days Herrad and I spend more time laughing than crying. Thanks for the support but do not worry: Herrad and I are still a strong team.

Carry on screaming

2009-04-09T22:58:00.000+02:00

Well I am getting a bit less down. I have tried to exercise and do some nice things and look at the good and everything but it does not really help. I managed to do some maintenance on my bike and it is working a bit better and that gives me an up.
I am always depressed, only sometimes I can not control the emotional impact it has on me. I have to get my shit together and I will. Not because I want to but because I have to. By choice I would sit by the side of the road and cry till I died. In fact I will work very hard to make this home a happy place to be. To some extent I will succeed.

Miserable git.

2009-04-08T20:27:00.000+02:00

I have not had anything to blog for a few days 'cos I am feeling too low to share. Maybe turning fifty next week is getting to me. I do not want to celebrate but that is not an option with a Trinidadian in the house.
I was thinking about people congratulating me for being born and managing not to die yet and it all seemed such an obscenity. I am not happy to be alive and I was not wanted when I was born... and I got a puncture and it rained and... (distant whining voice fading to infinity)
I know there is some one worse off than me: she has to live with me! I'll go and be nice to her for a bit now- she will make it all seem worth while again.

A relief for me but not for others.

2009-04-02T18:04:00.000+02:00

The list of the victims of the helicopter crash in the North Sea yesterday has been published. I scanned the list and to my relief my old friend's name was not on it.
Sixteen other workers died. Some one else's mate.
I knew a man who died in the Piper Alpha disaster. He was the patriarch of a huge family and the biggest tough guy in the pub. A horrible blond perm and a sovereign ring on every finger. His family were shattered when they lost him. His sons did not carry themselves with the confidence they had when the big man was around. His wife never left the house for months.
Sixteen families will be so sad this weekend. I am glad that it is not the Brycelands. My heart goes out to those who did loose a loved one in Wednesday's crash.

Spring is on the way!

2009-04-02T13:58:00.000+02:00

Good news yesterday from the doctor. The wound is healing and we will be starting the long process of getting Herrad sitting up and going out in sunshine.
I find my self humming this as I go round the house.

Silver in the Stubble
(Sydney Carter)

Early in the Morning,
Hear the razor roar,
There's silver in the stubble
And it wasn't there before.

For the leaves are getting greener,
And spring is on the way;
Girls are getting prettier
And younger every day.

Silver in the stubble;
Winter in the wood.
Fare you well, you wicked world,
I'm going to be good.

Time to think of Heaven;
Time to think of Hell.
Time to go to church on Sunday,
Hark, I hear the bell.

But if any girl is willing,
She only has to say;
I'll hang my halo on a shelf
Until another day.

----------------------------------------------------------------
Written by Sydney Carter in 1964
Copyright Sydney Carter

Getting down.

2009-03-31T17:26:00.000+02:00

I cant get happy. Sunny weather and all but I cant get a smile togehter. Every thing seems like another Everest to clime.
I will trot out the old platitudes about one day a time and all that and just keep going. I'll try to get things together. I have to.

All for charity!

2009-03-29T14:12:00.000+02:00

Usual comedy for telethon is a painful experience.
Men in frocks seldom fail to amuse however.

When do you say?

2009-03-27T20:22:00.000+01:00

I heard today about how Nick died. His doctors were desperate for him to loose weight. He had diabetes and cardiological problems linked to his obesity.
When he visited us he would often bring a roast chicken and a bag of cream cakes. Herrad asked him not to bring the snacks and we subverted him with lighter things to eat. I know that in the last period he spent most of his time at home eating. When he visited his hand and mouth never stopped. After his birthday he was delighted with the party his friends held for him but I was dismayed that one of his friends gave him a huge box of chocolates. I thought at the time they may as well have stuck a loaded revolver in his hand.
Well Nick's arteries were so bunged up with snack food his poor old heart died. Ironically a group of his friends had got together to try to make him take care once he got over this one. Just too late.
His friends are getting his journals ordered and edited and will get them published. Evidently some sad souls are scared he may have mentioned them. If he mentions me (even derogatory) I will just be flattered.

Ronnie Laine

2009-03-27T18:27:00.000+01:00

I have many reasons to hate MS this is another... and we lost Stevie from smoking in bed

An old enemy

2009-03-26T14:55:00.000+01:00

When I was a teenager I was under threat from a gang of skinheads for many years. I have a scar on my head from their attention. My crime was having black friends and listening to reggae music. They provoked me and my friends to hitting back and I was involved in some incidents of violence. We even trained ourselves in combat skills to protect ourselves. Their leader was a hateful stupid man and I hated him.
Funny to hear yesterday just how shit things are for him. He is in jail for life and his former gang members wish to kill him on his release. His partner is sick and in bed all day with no one to keep her company. Care workers come twice a day to meet her needs.
They are not nice people but when I think of the shattered existence they have called a life my heart goes out to them. We all make choices and have to live with the consequences. Last time I saw him he decided to attack the James Connelly Republican Marching Band on the Bloody Sunday commemoration. That was not one of his better choices. I guess he has run out of options now. Stupid man.

More Nick

2009-03-25T00:39:00.000+01:00

A comic tale.

2009-03-24T15:45:00.000+01:00

I went to the wrong funeral. I was in the wrong place at the right time and missed seeing Nick off. My only conciliation is to know it will make a funny story in a few days time when I don't feel so sad.
I may have given up comedy but evidently comedy has not given up me.
If I am wrong about an after life he will be holding his belly and chortling.

Off to bury the boy.

2009-03-24T09:55:00.000+01:00

Goodbye my old friend

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OxWDI68CQFA

Thank you everybody.

2009-03-18T15:53:00.000+01:00

Thank you for the kind words about Nick. It was good to write down how I was feeling and so very nice to read your kind comments.
Nick was a bringer of laughter and wonder. I will miss him but I regard my self as lucky to have known such an extraordinary man.
Thanks for sharing this sad moment with me. You have really helped.

One hundred trucks go by at once!

2009-03-18T13:22:00.000+01:00

The inland waterways are a great green way of shifting tons of goods quietly through the city- in England there would be a convoy of diesel powered trucks nose to tail on the ring road.

Feral geese.

2009-03-18T13:16:00.000+01:00

Feral geese are an Amsterdam phenomena. Our local flock is up to thirty strong and can be a nuisance when they take over an area. Personally I love to see the flotilla patrolling the canals and hear the outrageous honking.

Pigeon wars!

2009-03-18T13:06:00.000+01:00

Pigeon wars! One of my neighbours insists on throwing food out her window for the pigeons. The pigeons are seen as a health hazard and a nuisance by the rest of the building. These notices keep going up in the lift and then getting ripped down.
I think the old cow who feeds the birds is either wanting a fight or her pigeons are so important to her sad life that she can not stop feeding them. Sadly the people putting up the notices are not very capable of thinking things through and this has gone on for months. I stand aside.

death at a birthday party.

2009-03-17T17:47:00.000+01:00

Today is Herrad's birthday and St Pat's and I feel like shit. My old friend Nick died yesterday and I am just starting to realise what it means.
Nick was a brilliant man. He had a lifetimes battle with depression. It impacted on him in many ways. He was so clever and talented but never hit the heights he could have. If only he had been able to love himself a bit more. He was born to a theatrical family in South Africa. His father was well known for his satirical plays about South African politics. Nick fled South Africa after refusing to participate in the illegal war in Namibia. He was a refugee in Amsterdam for the rest of his life but he never lost his love of his home land. I met him in 89 and got to know him in 97. The more time I spent with him the more interesting he became.
I have lost my only male friend in Amsterdam. I have lost unique conversation. I have lost a big hug and a kind word. I have lost Nick Leslie

In memory of Nick Leslie

2009-03-16T18:42:00.000+01:00

My great friend the lovely Nick Leslie who died today. I will miss him so much.

Screwed up little boy.

2009-03-15T12:04:00.000+01:00

I woke to Herrad calling out in pain. I did my usual comforting- filling a bag of weed vapour for her, massage then pills. Lifted the dogs onto her bed so Herrad could have a cuddle. It was all OK after a while and Spike and Herrad had a huge love session. Sometimes Spike can not tolerate sharing Herrad with Marleen but today it was OK. We all had the mission to get the smile back on that pretty face again.

I try to be honest open and adult about my emotions but I still let the freaked out desperate child escape from the rational every now and then. Today Herrad said something in a way that hit the button.
My father could be an absolute piece of shit when he got the mind and the way Herrad spoke to me over something trivial was nasty (not very nasty) but nasty in the way my father could be. He would ask questions about something but without giving any information. I would seek to provide the answer he was after but was aware there was something else on the agenda. After a few minutes of fear the misdemeanour would be revealed and I would get a beating. When I got older I would just tell him to piss off and just give him the pleasure of being the executioner- he could miss out on playing prosecuting counsel. The physical bullying was easier to deal with than the emotional bullying. By the time I was fifteen we hated each other and I stopped going home.
Herrad was treated to the answer my Dad should have got. She did not deserve the venom and I am so sorry.
Beatings were done to improve me and to fulfil my fathers duty as a parent. I hated him for thirty years and have had depression problems all my life. Now those beatings even hurt Herrad. Violence (physical, verbal, emotional) does not belong in families.

Pure Class

2009-03-12T18:25:00.000+01:00

Wedding shop on Kinkerstraat.