Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Tom Leonard poem.

when the colonial oppressor
wears the proxy badge of victimhood
 
when the state talks about democracy
and boasts about democracy
and busses in its voters
from the 4 corners of the globe
 
when the possession of nationality
is a foot landing on an airport tarmac
and the dispossessed fester
in the camps of the dispossessed
 
 
 
when spokespersons for the state 
are good at explaining the current position in English
because they are English
and good at sounding American
because they are American
 
and the natives are hopeless spokespersons
who speak in heavily accented English
because they are not English
who don’t sound American
because they are not American
 
they are foreigners
on their native soil
and they sound like foreigners
because that’s all they are
to the English, and to the Americans
and to the incoming dispossessors
 
foreigners
 
 
 
 
 
statehood is right to arms
statehood is control of the air
 
and the state walls up the natives
the state drives roads through their livelihood
the state uproots their livelihood
 
statehood is tank
statehood is bulldozer of homes
 
 
 
 
state killing is not killing
state killing is justifiable context
state killing is the operation of justice
 
stateless killing is simply killing
stateless killing is never context
stateless killing is motiveless evil
 
we are the state
you are the stateless
 
the battle is good versus evil
what more history do you need?
 
 
 
 
to accuse the state of oppression
is genocide
 
to accuse the state of racism
is genocide
 
to accuse the state of colonial expansion
is genocide
 
no one wants to be accused of genocide
much better to turn a blind eye 
 
 
 
  
 
 
 
 
but the state is oppressive
but the state is racist
but the state is intent on colonial expansion
 
and the state colonises the past
the state says its people are the single victims of history
 
yet many are the victims of history
no single people has precedence
 
 
 
 
we inherit no victimhood from the murdered in the genocides of history
we Inherit no guilt from the murderers in the genocides of history
 
they are the dead
we are the living
 
who alone are responsible for our actions
who cannot forever blame our role as victims   
 
to be oppressive
to be racist
to be intent on colonial expansion
 
wearing the proxy badge of victimhood
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Tom Leonard
 

Thursday, December 25, 2008

Bye Bye HP

I heard just now that Harold Pinter has died- a smart boy from East London done good! Not all my friends liked his aproach to the theatre but I always found his writing iluminating he wrote some cracking polemical essays. He was a good man who held his principles. His caring inteligent imput will be missed in English society.

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Scrooge rules!

I fucking hate this. I want our life back. I hated today. This was Herrad's favorite day and I was always so pissed off with jingly bells and ho fucking ho. I was a grumpy drunk who hated the bars being full of amatuer drinkers. Well I stopped drinking many years ago and this time of the year became a time of sharing preperations and hosting friends. Now it is shit, I dont get drunk and I have no one to share the tasks with.
Deep blue day.

A typicaly stupid overdressed and overweight half wit was screaming abuse at a disabled woman who had bumped her child in her mobility scooter. No concern for the howling brat, she was just enjoying screaming at a frightened woman. I told her to shut the fuck up- but in nicer terms and her friend was keen for the fat cow to stop. Merry fucking xmas

Monday, December 22, 2008

For those of us in Northen lattitudes

Well Happy new year every body- have you noticed how the evenings are starting to get longer again!

Sunday, December 21, 2008

I intend to be happy!

Some times I don’t want this. I want to feel good again. I want to do normal things. I want to spend the whole day in meaningless naval contemplation and not leave bed. I do not want to be asked “how I am” in that concerned manner- one day I will take them up on the enquiry and give them chapter and verse on how I am- I am screaming on the abyss of despair as my soul burns- apart from that I have a bit of a sniffle but mustn’t grumble.

Any way I got a bit desperate last week. From sad to depressed. By Friday I was a basket case. I saw how bad it was hitting Herrad and have fought back. I have forced my self to do cheerful things- that is to make nice food and clean up a bit. So it’s OK now. I have a big fruitcake in the oven and I made a potato scones for Herrad and she had a version of a fired breakfast which put her in a good mood. I have walked and fed the dogs and now I am enjoying the mundane pleasures instead of being overwhelmed by the mundane problems.

Happy solstice-Summer is coming!

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Happy days...

Three days to our aniversary- I dont believe in marriage: I require neither church or state to sanction what I feel.
Getting hitched made a staement of commitment that mattered more to Herrad but I got the point .
Not every one thought I was such a good choice. Some people thought I was a disaster walking. What they never knew was that no one could love Herrad more.
Loving her is so easy for me and I am so flattered that she chose me.
Life has played cruel little jokes on us but I still reckon I am doing well: I have so much love in my life!
Only what the hell to get for a present?

Terror and people.

This is a very interesting link.
http://www.tomdispatch.com/post/175013
Ms Roy’s excellent piece on the situation within and around the borders of India certainly helped fill in some missing information and opened discussions that I felt were left out of most comment on Mumbai. Thank you Ms. Roy.
She demonstrated well that “terrorism” can mean many things. Terrorism is a methodology and not ideological. It is Machiavelli in action. The problem for the Indian state is not terrorism- it is its inability to keep its monopoly of terrorism. Diseases that are easily treated terrorize whole communities. Some national minorities in India live in state of siege from the Indian government. Indian workers live in daily terror of unemployment, homelessness and starvation: that is what disciplines them to years of monotony and exhaustion as their hands and brains create the Indian economic miracle.

Looking at the history of the anarchist move into ‘propaganda of the deed’ in the nineteenth
Century you see a clear mistake in thinking. Joachim Most’s belief that the new science of explosives had democratized the ability to do harm and that it was now possible for the working class to challenge the bosses monopoly of terror did not prove the trump card. The ruling class did not react to their new vulnerability in the way reasonable people may have expected. Rather than understand the need for change and an end to oppression they armed for war and increased the terror. The working class being sickened with the cruelty and violence in their daily lives did not rally to the concept of inflicting sickening acts of violence in the name of freedom, even if the victims were the most degenerate part of a parasite class. The holders of the means to murder on an industrial scale could then label those amateur bombers and sharpshooters as ‘terrorists’ and the cause of the instability that occasionally rocks capitalist society and as a good reason to suppress any form of organization amongst the poor.
The desperation of risen workers who saw the aftermath of the Paris Commune and other post insurrectionary bloodbaths led to the mistaken idea that we could change the world by mirroring the methodology of our oppressors. The Marxist Leninist party and the Anarchist terror cell were forms of organization we took from our enemy and have only served to recreate the dictatorial elitism of our oppressors within our own ranks. The false methodologies of compulsion and authority are the means of creating dictatorship not freedom.
The only challenge to terrorism is a challenge to all authority. Capitalism is not a system that even pretends to meet the needs of people. Whole sections of the world population can go hang when not required- whole countries starving – terror in every hungry face. Ms Roy is so right in pointing this out. The atrocious acts in Mumbai are shocking because the amateur terrorists have not the skill and subtlety of the professionals. Capitalism is the ultimate terror cell and is willing to contemplate a planetary suicide mission rather than consider compromise.

Friday, December 12, 2008

Class War is still being waged!

I am a prejudiced man- deeply deeply engrained irrational hatred for the middle class blights my attempt to peacefully co-exist with my fellow humans. I am not in my natural environment here in Holland. My friends (even the Dutch ones) have moved away and I have made very few new friends. Most of the people I am still in contact with are very nice but middle class. There are so many things that make me want to scream about them but honestly I do love them. One of my favourite women pissed me off so much yesterday. She has never had to do a shit job in her life. She has worked in profession she loves since finishing her education. The recession has forced her into a position where she may have to take a 9-5 job. "If I had to do a job like that 36 hours a week my brain would turn to jelly"
I have done crap jobs since leaving school at 16. My brain aint jelly. I have had mental health problems when frustration lead to depression and substance abuse but like millions of other workers I got it back together again. I have developed my education by attending night classes and the Open University after eight hours of toilet cleaning or street sweeping. I have acted (in a bloody terrible play) at the Edinburgh Fringe and I once performed in front of thousands of workers as the Glasgow May Day celebration... I have not done all I could have done because much of life has been wasted working. The surplus value created by labour and the labour of the rest of my class is what supports the middle class and their life styles.-Considering what is going down now I reckon I am doing OK. I guess 36 years in the labour market prepares you for the pain of life.

Any way dear hearts I wish you all a boss free world!

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Dave Allen on God

I love Crismuss with Herrad

I am pleased with my self! I got us a christmas tree. Genuine red plastic. I had to go across town on my bike and brave the hell of a garden centre but I did it. Herrad loves it.
I am not religous but I learned to take a childish delite in the secular rituals when I realised it realy made Herrad happy. Our first living together crismuss she asked if I wanted a tree. I said no and her face dropped- Herrad could never play poker. I said ok lets have one then. When she came home from work the next night I had it lit and decorated and she was happy as little girl with it. Now I make a feast, decorate the house and give nice presents. I realy hate it when some goes along with something but makes it clear that it is not what they want. Yeah I am a cynic and an antheist and hate crismuss- Herrad shares my views on comercialism and the God stuff but she is a Trinidadian and will not miss a chance to make a party. I aint going to ruin her fun so I join in whole heartedly and I have a great time too. I thank my Caribean beauty for kicking my English arse and getting me to enjoy life!

Sunday, December 7, 2008

Not wanting to offend...

Back on the atheism theme. Steve left a comment but no one else. I have had mails from friends agreeing but I know I must have upset some people who read this. I know faith is a personal thing. For me it is a poor substitute for evidence. I prefer an honest "don't know" than a fantasy answer. I do not hold all the teachings of all religon as intrinsicly wrong- just the superstitious parts. Steve has found that parts of his Catholic upbringing have given him strength even though he is not loved by the Catholic church because he is gay. My mother was raised in an ultra-protestant sect and my Dad a Catholic- because of their mixed mariage I have no contact with the Irish side of my family- when I say "mixed mariage" they are both white but my Nan thought my Mum was a proterstant whore with whome my Dad fathered bastards. Foutunately both my parents dropped the God myth when Gods servants on Earth could not accept their love. Despite their rejection of the God stuff parts of Christian thinking were very important to how they raised me- Judge not lest you be judged- Do unto others as you would have them do to you- the Sermon On the Mount rocks! All that stoning of adulteres and bans on oral sex they can shove!
I am not saying you are wrong if you do not believe the same as me- I am saying I think what you believe is in error. If it helps you make sense of this chaos then good luck to you. I would never want to impose my ideas on you but I do reserve the right to comment...

Talk to people!

I have just written a lovely piece about the need of MS sufferers for support and friendship. Brilianty argued and illustrated with charming anecdotes- I lost it- So another ill considered rant.
If you know some with MS do not let the disease dictate how you think about them. Talk to them about your life-moan about the jerk in the office- what a pig your partner is being- talk the same shit to them as you always did. Herrad is a dynamic woman, her body is getting less dynamic but her mind is frighteningly sharp (believe me!) and needs to be fed and exercised to stay that way. Don't get all awkward because your MS friend is suffering physicaly: that can not be helped. We can not stop their bodies breaking down but we can keep our friends in the world. Our issolated life gives Herrad and I a perspective on the world that has proved helpful for friends. We can often see how other people may be motivated- we seem to have an advanced model bullshit detector!
If you can not visit or 'phone like you may have wished: dont get embarrased- life happens- just call when you can or send an email. Please treat the normal person with MS a like a normal person. Don't worry about upsetting an MS person 'cos they are prety good at taking the hard stuff and if their suffering matters to you then your suffering matters to them- even if it is not life threatening.
We have learned a lot about ourselves and some how find it easy to think kindly of people. Life is tough and we all need each other. Mutual aid- now thats an idea... anyone thought of that?

Sunday, November 30, 2008

Mumbai- a sickening act of cruelty.

The cruelty of the religious fanatics and the tragedy in Mumbai can never be justified. God's Army (which ever franchise) sicken me. This is not the only time I have been sickened by religious fanatics creating murder in that part of India.
The Hindu massacre of Muslims in Gujarat was a foul event that the world ignored. The victims were mainly poor and Muslim. Nothing justifies violence but ignoring injustice is never going to make peace.
Check this page if you want to find more about Gujarat in 2002.
http://discardedlies.com/entry/?2401

Just in case I haven't alienated enough people...

Saturday, November 29, 2008

Anti God! Pro Human!

Rant number one
A dear friend of mine wrote to me after Herrad posted about her death on her blog. She shared with me how painful her fathers last days were. He was a heavy smoker and had a short but very painful death from lung cancer. At the end he begged to be killed. He was too sick to get to the clinic in Switzerland from the UK so he had to wait to the bitter agonizing end.
I was very fond of the gentleman and hated to think of him suffering but a bitter irony hit me. He was a Christian conservative. His homophobic anti-science superstitious church and the Conservative and Unionist Party that he supported (until it became a positively treacherous act for a Scotsman to vote for Maggie Thatcher) lobbied against any reform of the suicide act because it is God’s will that people suffer and He alone can decide when you die. As an atheist I find it disgusting that people die worse than animals because of other people’s ghostie stories.
I can not handle the fact that Herrad will die. My only conciliation is to make it easy and gentle for her. If I could stop it I would. How ever we handle this it is as private and intimate as any part of our marriage and neither preachers lawyers or even doctors have a right to interfere.
Rant number two
We had visit yesterday from two lovely men. One we have known for twenty years and the other we have met only a few times over five years. They met each other after both had rough times with their previous partners. They are still very much in love. To see the power of gay love for my two friends warms my heart. I have had some nice comments from a man called Steve who has a beautiful man who is in about the same condition as Herrad. It was very nice to hear from him. I had a look at their blog. What a very nice family they seem to have. Lots of love to Steve and BoRobert. It was nice to hear from them just when I was thinking sweet thoughts about my friends.
Rant two point five
Funny enough on Thursday an old English comedian #Barry Cryer was asked (on a radio show) what he hated about his generation of comics “Homophobia” he answered, long pause- waiting for a BC killer tag “No I am not joking it has always sickened me.” Huge cheers and applause exploded from the studio audience. I have always loved his humor and it was great to have my high opinion of the man confirmed. He has been married to the same woman about all his adult life. Lucky man… I was thirty before I found Herrad. Wasted years… back on subject: Homophobia (homohaat homo hate in Dutch) is still rife in much of Europe and queer bashing even happens in Gay friendly Amsterdam.
Is it the Vice President of the USA who is Christian right on all issues bar lesbians, ‘cos his wee lassie is one?
Poland is not a fit country for European Union membership because it is not safe for gay people to live there or even visit. Iran and Saudi Arabia murder gay people. Gay rights are human rights and we should not consider a person civilized if they can not accept the right for people to live differently from them. Again it is that stupid God Ghostie Man story- self righteous murderous superstitious bunch of halfwits interfering in other peoples lives. Mind yer own business! As for the the rest of you: you have my permission to be queer if you choose but please let me leave before “Mama Mia” starts!
#Barry Cryer available at very reasonable rates
http://www.speakerscorner.co.uk/file/8094e3e43f107d339441b830bb78a7c4/cryer-barry.html

Friday, November 21, 2008

'kin hell

Oh shit. First of all just say Herrad is OK. Only a scratch on her head. She fell out the bloody hoist this evening and struck her head on the bed frame.
My heroine neighbour (one of Amsterdams finest) was down as quick as a sick women can. The ambulance was slow comming (we had just had a big storm) but once here they were reasuringly profesional and friendly in aproach. Herrrad was soon joking around with them as she lay on the floor. They lifted her back into bed and dressed the wound. It was only a scratch but like all scalp wounds it bled impresively.
The lift has a pincer grip that closes on the victims waist as the weight of the legs pull down on stirups that sit under the thighs. Herrad has got too floppy to get in the thing right and we will have to use the sling. It worked very well just now which is great because the last sling we used was very painful for Herrad and she was prety scared of this one but it went ok. Soon I will put her back in bed and we can try to sleep after this unexpected exitment. Bloody hell I dropped her on her head AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Comments

Thanks for the comments. Herrad showed me them last night. Till then I had no idea. thank you so much for the support. I will set it up to get notification when they are posted so I can respond. Thank you for reading. Love to you all.

Knackered but getting happier!

I Just wrote something profound and whitty then blogger crashed. I'm too knackered to retrace the tinking. Oh well. Any way I had a good day and now the kitchen is top clean gleaming and hygenic. I hung some prety things up in the bedroom and hung a lamp in the living room. I am getting less depressed with each action. This is me trying to get back on course after realising our time together is limited. I will work to make it a good time.
The nurse was round today and praised my care of the wound. It is already getting less deep and looks clean and less angry. Maybe she can sit up in the spring! I miss going out together very much. I even avoid the market stalls where I know they will ask after Herrad. I hate being asked when I have no good news. Maybe soon I can tell them she will be comming herself again.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

This is my few minutes. Dinner is in the oven. The dogs are fed and licking their paws contentedly in their beds. Herrad is waiting to decide wether to get up go on the motormed and have her wound treated then eat dinner or eat dinner and then get up. I hope we get it done by ten pm then I get a bit of time in the evening. What ever. I have my minute and will sneak off to play a bit of banjo (be glad you do not have to hear it) and smoke a little bit if weed. Weed is a analgesic for me too! Today I had a glorius afternoon: I steamcleaned the bathroom! Impressive eh? So now I will bask in glory and prepare for future triumphs.
I have just realised that unlike my text my spell checker is in Dutch. I have not been checking so I hope the copy is not to messy.

Sunday, November 16, 2008

I am too knackered. It is lack of sleep and no breaks. Things have combined to make me very mentally volatile. I seem to have developed my weird tendencies to more extreme behaviour. I find my self shouting random sentences- now this is something I did cultivate in my youth after reading a book of surealist poets but I had no warning that I would take it up. No warning what so ever. I just laughed 'You can shave your hedgehog but it still wont make it an avacado'
I dont go to that supermarket often so I dont mind. I call it "Perrins' syndrome". Usualy it strikes when I am alone with the dogs and it is addressed towards the dogs. They have learned to ignore it as it involves neither walks or treats so whats the point? My only solution is to keep my hands free thingy on my phone so I pretend to be responding to some unseen person.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Herrad wrote this out 5/3/2008. Since then things have changed as she now has an horrific pressure wound on her right buttock and can not sit up. I have to dress that twice a day. Just skimm through- to dull to read it all.

Daily Tasks.

Enquire how the night was

Fetch painkillers and water.

Check for sores around ears and neck and apply cream.

Adjust position in bed.

And check nightclothes are sitting comfortably.

Check and adjust pillow for maximum neck support.

Put on disposable gloves.

Empty catheter bag

Make sure it’s properly closed.

Prepare breakfast in bite size pieces.

Adjust position in bed to sitting up.

Place bed table by bed at correct height.

Bring breakfast and tea and water.

Assist with eating and drinking.

Assist in taking pills (baclofen)

Start daily stretching and massaging session.

Legs first, each leg 20 mins of several slow stretching exercises with pauses.

Stops muscles from getting shorter and helps reduce spasms.

Then arm stretching and rotating exercises, each arm 20 mins of slow stretching and rotating exercises with pauses.

Check catheter bag and empty, always wear gloves.

Make sure bathroom is warm.

Check position in bed.

Bring hoist near bed.

Fetch shower chair.

Raise shower chair.

Place in sitting position.

Place lifting stirrups under legs and clamps around midriff.

Check body correctly and safely held by hoist.

Then lift out of bed.

Place in shower chair.

Remove lifting stirrups from under legs and clamps around midriff

Make sure position in chair is good.

Adjust by tilting shower chair to care position and gently moving to correct position.

Then adjust shower chair height.

Wheel chair into bathroom.

Place by washbasin.

Put handgrip on toothbrush.

Put toothpaste on brush.

Place in hand.

Assist when needed.

Pass cup of water for rinsing mouth.

Wash face and dry gently.

Raise height of shower chair.

Place shower chair above toilet.

Turn extractor fan on.

Return to bathroom when finished.

Gently wipe bottom.

Carefully remove tape and heel protectors.

Check water is correct temperature.

Place shower chair under shower.

Adjust to lying down position.

Gently wash feet first.

Dry feet.

Massage feet and apply cream.

Reapply heel protectors and tape.

Remove clothes.

Then gently wash top half.

Make sure dry and covered.

Turn shower chair around.

Check sores on bottom.

Gently wash bottom half of body.

Dry carefully dabbing and not rubbing to avoid damaging skin.

Carefully apply cream to entire body.

Then apply antiseptic cream to sores and mepitel bandage.

Adjust shower chair to care position to put on wrap round disposable pants.

Carefully put on long underpants.

Slowly to avoid friction to skin.

Be careful at all times to avoid triggering spasms.

Adjust shower chair to sitting position.

Make sure position in chair is good.

Adjust if needed.

After consultation fetch clothes.

Adjust shower chair to care position to put on trousers.

Carefully put on trousers.

Be careful at all times to avoid triggering spasms.

Adjust shower chair to sitting position.

Then carefully complete dressing.

Putting on tops takes time to avoid too much pain.]

After tops are on check neck/throat/ears for red patches.

These are caused when tops are put on.

Apply cream to red patches.

Once dressed wheel shower chair into bedroom.

Place lifting stirrups under legs and clamps around midriff.

Check body correctly and safely held by hoist.

Then lift out of shower chair.

Remove shower chair.

Place electric wheelchair under hoist.

Tilt electric wheelchair.

Carefully put into wheelchair.

Adjust chair to sitting up position.

Check sitting position.

If not sitting correctly adjust.

Always make sure chair is not switched on when adjusting sitting position.

Bathroom routine takes two hours.

Turn radio on.

Wheel standing aid (sta-tafel) into front room.

Place strap around below hips attach to table and hoist to standing position.

Stand for ten minutes.

Make tea and fill water bottle.

Place two plastic cups on table..

Half fill one cup with tea and one with water.

Check temperature of tea.

Pass cup of tea.

Assist in drinking.

Sit and talk about plans for the day.

Talk about the stress and emotions that the ms causes.

Check in calender for appointments and reminders.

Make calls.

Dial numbers and hand phone over.

Log appointments.

Place feet carefully on foot rests of motomed.

Take care not to trigger painful spasms.

Secure feet and legs.

Make sure feet are strapped in properly.

This stops any possible damage to legs/feet/heels.

Plug in and select program for legs.

Check it’s on slow speed.

Stay close to assist.

Lower speed when necessary.

After 10 minutes change to arm exercises.

Arm exercises take five minutes.

Then turn off machine and unplug.

Place feet carefully on foot rests of wheel chair.

Again take care not to trigger painful spasms

Check sitting position.

If not sitting correctly adjust.

Tilt chair to adjust position in chair.

Due to the ms body temperature fluctuates.

One minute hot then cold.

Check clothes are not sweaty.

Change if needed.

Check room temperature is good.

Open window if needed.

Or turn on heating if cold.

Check position in chair.

Give two pills (acetylsoalicyl &perindopril)

One dissolved in water.

One swallowed with water.

Place pill in mouth

Prepare lunch.

Place bed table over chair at correct height.

Serve lunch

Place the two plastic cups this time one with juice the other with water on table.

Assist with eating and drinking.

Cut up food when needed.

Feed when asked.

Wash face and hands.

Check catheter bag and empty, always wear gloves.

Check sitting position.

If not sitting correctly adjust.

Tilt chair to adjust position in chair.

Ensure there’s a break to rest.

Assist in tilting chair.

Select requested audio book

Insert disc in machine.

Make sure juice/tea/water is available

Stay nearby.

While resting check medical and care items in bathroom.

Phone doctor for repeat prescriptions.

Organise bedroom.

Check clothes.

Wash if needed.

Collect dry clothes and fold and store.

Suggest going out.

Check catheter bag and empty, as always wear gloves.

Put on jacket and leg cover.

Place wheelchair bag with water bottle/ plastic cup on back of chair.

Check rain cape/hat/scarf and gloves are in bag.

Assist in leaving.

Call lift.

Make sure doors stay open.

Select ground floor.

Downstairs clear corridor of bikes.

Accompany to market and shops.

Every now and then check sitting position.

Make sure not hanging too much to one side.

If not sitting correctly adjust.

Tilt chair to adjust position in chair.

Stop for occasional breaks.

Assist in drinking some water.

Make sure not cold or too hot.

Adjust clothes if needed.

Help where needed.

Return home

Check catheter bag and empty if needed, as always wear gloves.

Take off jacket and leg cover.

Assist in taking pills (baclofen)

Assist in tilting chair.

Select music.

Discuss what to eat.

Start preparing food.

Make pot of tea.

Fill cups with water and tea.

Assist in taking painkillers.

Sit and talk while food is cooking.

Place bed table over chair at correct height.

Serve dinner.

Place the two plastic cups this time one with juice the other with water on table..

Assist with eating and drinking.

Cut up food when needed.

Feed when asked.

Wash face and hands.

Check catheter bag and empty, always wear gloves.

Wheel standing aid (sta-tafel) into front room.

Place strap around below hips attach to table and hoist up to standing position.

Stand for ten minutes.

Place back into w/chair.

Check sitting position.

If not sitting correctly adjust.

Tilt chair to adjust position in chair.

Make tea and fill water bottle.

Place two plastic cups on table..

Half fill one cup with tea and one with water.

Check temperature of tea.

Pass cup of tea.

Assist in drinking.

Assist in taking pills (simvastatine)

Prepare some fruit.

Mobile phone reminders for next day.

Assist with drinking of water.

Assist in taking pills (baclofen)

Make sure bathroom is warm.

Go into bedroom.

Bring hoist near chair

Fetch shower chair.

Raise shower chair.

Place in sitting position.

Place lifting stirrups under legs and clamps around midriff.

Check body correctly and safely held by hoist.

Then lift out of w/chair.

Place in shower chair.

Remove lifting stirrups from under legs and clamps around midriff

Make sure position in chair is good.

Adjust by tilting shower chair to care position and gently moving to correct position.

Then adjust shower chair height.

Wheel shower chair into bathroom.

Place under washbasin.

Put handgrip on toothbrush.

Put toothpaste on brush.

Place in hand.

Assist when needed.

Pass cup of water for rinsing mouth.

Wash face and dry gently.

Put on disposable gloves.

Check catheter bag

Make sure it’s properly closed.

Then remove tee-shirt and other tops.

Remove trousers and long underpants.

Gently to prevent making skin/friction burns.

Remove disposable underpants.

Check sores.

Carefully remove tape and heel protectors.

Check water is correct temperature.

Place shower chair under shower.

Adjust to lying down position.

Gently wash feet first.

Dry feet.

Massage feet and apply cream.

Then gently wash top half.

Make sure dry and covered.

Turn shower chair around.

Check sores on bottom.

Gently wash bottom half of body.

Dry carefully dabbing and not rubbing to avoid damaging skin.

Carefully apply cream to entire body.

Then apply antiseptic cream to sores and mepitel bandage.

Adjust shower chair to care position to put on wrap round disposable pants.

Carefully put on long underpants.

Slowly to avoid friction to skin.

Be careful at all times to avoid triggering spasms.

Adjust shower chair to lying position.

Make sure position in chair is good.

Adjust if needed.

Put on new pants.

Replace long underpants.

Adjust to sitting posistion.

Put on night tee-shirt.

Replace heel protectors and tape on carefully.

Assist in giving painkillers and sleeping tablets.

Place lifting stirrups under legs and clamps around midriff.

Check body correctly and safely held by hoist.

Then lift out of shower chair..

Place carefully in bed.

Hold feet in position to avoid slipping out of stirrups.

Adjust position in bed.

Move carefully to centre of bed.

Start stretching and massaging session.

Legs first, each leg 20 mins of slow stretching exercises with pauses.

Stops muscles from getting shorter and helps reduce spasms.

Then arm stretching and rotating exercises, each arm 20 minutes of slow stretching and rotating exercises with pauses.

Check catheter bag and empty, always wear gloves.

Check tee-shirt wrinkle free in back.

Position cushions under legs and under arms.

Place pillow under head.

Put on cotton gloves.

Cover up carefully.

Put Vaseline on lips.

Open window.

Turn out light.

Get up twice during night to change position in bed.


Now you see I do quite a lot but all the while I have a crushing feeling that I dont do enough. I feel so guilty for the presure sore. I should have stopped it happening. It was a controlable factor and what pisses me off is it got bad because of my lack of ability to fight the local beuracrats. My Dutch is so bad. I was smilling politenss to a sickening little arsehole from the local authority "advice centre" who stitched us up with a wheelchair that Herrad rattled around like a pingpong ball in the back of a van. I let Herrad do the arguing because of my lack of confidence. I know the outcome would have been more likely to be in our favour if I was in an anglophone environment. I hate myself for not fighting like I should have done.

However my particular wrath is reserved for ARCA (the advice centre for Amsterdam) who have consitantly screwed us with cheapest and least helpful equipment and directly allowed this sore to develop. I wont name check the individuals cos they freaked when Herrad named one when she was given a previous crap wheelchair but to my mind it is a stinking organisation who represent the needs of the acountants and contrators but not the sick and disabled..

MS is a shitty disease...

OK so this is my first post. Why this blog? It is a place where I can express the absolute despair I am feeling as I watch my darling grow sicker and sicker and prepare for her to die. I am desperate because I will out live her. I cant believe in a future without her. I want to scream and rave and smash up the furniture but I dont. I just get on with the daily business of keeping her alive and trying to make her life tolerable. It is getting less good by the month an we both know she will not want to take much more of this shitty disease. I have an email from her, with a letter attached to be printed out. It is her euthanasia letter. It is the first part of the process. I am glad it is legal here (in the Netherlands) we can make rational plans with our trusted doctor but it is still dreadful. I am glad for her that she can set a limit on the pain she suffers. When she dies my pain will continue. I guess we will have next summer after that I dont know.

Well today I cant stop crying and dont know who the hell to talk to so I will address the universe. Well love to you all and stay tuned for more self pity later

Richie