Grim reality comes knocking.

We are entering a new phase of Herrad's illness. Her arms are stopping working thus making her even more dependant on me. She is frustrated and scared by the developments even though we have discussed this happening it is still a shock when the real implications become obvious. She has woken crying in pain and unable to move her arms at all. I Massage them and get her some thc that gives some relieve but it is only a partial help. Last night she was working on her computer but could not cope with the complicated operations she needed to perform. I was just settling down to take things easy but had to assist. She was very frustrated and was rather unpleasant in her manner. I did my best to assist and remain relaxed and we managed to get the work done between us. I managed not to be too overtly effected but when I took the dogs out for the last walk I started to cry in the street. Herrad will not be with me much longer. She is aware of this and last night it hit me what that means for me. I can not face the future with out her. I have no life with out her. She is my reason for living. I can only look forward with despair.

Foot rot gone crazy!

I have had a bad time: athletes foot! I know it sounds trivial but it has been horrible. I got a very nasty infection three weeks ago. I bought a well known cream for the condition and it started to clear up. Then it changed it's mind and went crazy. It spread all over my feet up my legs and all over my hands. It then triggered an eczema attack. The doctor gave me pills to knock out the infection but the damage has been done and my skin is peeling off me. The cracks on the soles of my feet and around my toes make walking torture. I have to crawl out my bed on my hands and knees in the morning fill a tub with warm water and soak my feet before I can walk My hands are raw. But it is getting better and a little less painful every day. By next week I may even be able to play the banjo again. I have just done four days worth of dish-washing and will get cleaning the floors. All symbolic of my recovery- happily I have not got too depressed over this bad luck. Unusually I seem to have managed to maintain an fairly relaxed mental state. The only thing that got to me was the lack of banjo- I am on the point of being able to play a tune and want to press on!
http://www.deeringbanjos.com/sierra.html

I have got to be more positive because my current state is getting Herrad down. I can not make her MS better but I can make her feel worse. Yesterday I decided to put all the effort I can into being brighter. Even if I do not feel happy I will act happy and hopeful. It is not easy, I am sure I am clinically depressed- that is I do not have the right brain chemistry to feel happy so I need to take action to stimulate my brain into producing the right chemicals to make me feel happy. Fatigue is one of the symptoms of depression so I have to up my exercise whilst feeling wiped out. It can be done and will be done. Blogging again has helped already. I am going to make my self a coffee and get the house clean and shining and try to get the dogs out for a long walk. I will stop watching television- always a sign of depression for me. Usually TV just makes me angry and frustrated, movies the same, I can not believe how much effort goes in to making trivial meaningless rubbish and how much importance it is given by society. I know not all TV and all films are rubbish but most (99%) are. Watching them makes me feel I have given up. OK I may be an undereducated manual labourer but I still have something of a brain and will try to feed it.

I got through the dreaded birthday yesterday. It always gets me down and I had been low for the last month any way. I have done a big lot of shopping- fruit and veg mostly so I have not so much to do over the weekend.
I am trying to find the positive. It is not easy.
My new dog Cyril is getting very sweet. He is beginning to believe I am not going to beat him. I do not know what went down in his previous home but something scared the wee lad. He both wants my affection and is very scared. He cuddles up to me growling and showing his rather impressive teeth. As he has been here longer the growling is less and the cuddles are more. I will never beat him so I hope he can learn to trust me. It is strange after my Spike was so completely trusting. I do not see the point in having a dog (or any other animal) without making it happy. I see so many dogs walking along looking so sad- usually horribly over weight. A woman told me her Jack Russell did not want to play like my dog cause she was 7 years old- I did not tell her my Marlene is 10!

It has been a long time since I last posted- the blog is a space for internal dialogues and I have not been talking to myself.
Anyway I have got a right good depression going now so I am writing again. Spring is a reminder of me getting older as the year renews itself. "Spring is in the green leaf but winter is in the wood."
I find my self looking back at the last spring I felt optimistic about- 1974! when my parents moved us to a place I hated. Lost all my friends and have struggled to make new ones since.
Since then spring has got sadder connotations for me.
I have been looking at the history website for my "home town". I have not visited for years and have lost all contact with the place but some how I feel so nostalgic for the Island. It is a notoriously ugly little town with famously unfriendly inhabitants.
Somehow I want nothing more than a walk by the old oil refinery and down to the old gun site (I think the old turrets and lookout tower have been demolished now). A pint of keg bitter in an inhospitable boozer and a pukka pie.
I guess it would make me no happier if I did visit but the very fact I can not makes it a desire.

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Huppa Holland!!!!!!!

It is getting exciting today. Everyone dressed in orange and making preparations for the big game tonight. I only hope Uruguay don't spoil the party. If Holland win the world cup I am going to ask my bank for a big loan on the day after- I reckon the manager will be good for a million! Seriously though it would be great if Holland win. Amsterdam will go crazy- starting with my neighbours!
It is strange to be in the middle of the excitement. Orange and red white and blue are not my favourite colours for a party- especially in July- I even found myself humming 'The Sash My Father Wore' on the tram- it would be just my luck if I had been sat next to a Glasgow Celtic fan but I don't think any one was more annoyed than would be natural when some idiot starts whistling on a crowded sweaty tram.
Herrad has been up and down with the weather: heat and MS do not mix. When the clouds come over she can use her hands and when the sun comes out she feels dreadful. It is a big change for her from how she was. She loved sunny days and I loved to watch her enjoying them. She was super relaxed and looked great in her summer clothes (she has the best legs since Betty Grable http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hj7ptNYO_Eo&feature=related)
I am so glad she has started to show them off again. They may not obey orders any more but they are still a lovely pair of legs and do not deserve to be hidden away on a hot day. The two of us are very much in love and the MS has intensified my feelings for her. She is the most loveable of people. I am feeling stronger and calmer than I have in a long while. I have cut my food and marijuana intake to the benefit of my body and mind- this was a barely concious procedure. I just felt less desire for both. Marijuana helps me to an extent but it is a double edged sword and can leave me confused and worried if I use too much or at inappropriate times. I now have a little in the evening and it knocks my socks off. Which is handy 'cos it is my preparation for going to bed. I really enjoy the hit and relax into music and then sleep. It is twenty years since I used alcohol. Drink is what I still crave when stressed. I know that drinking would be a disaster for me in any situation but as Herrad's caregiver it would be a disaster for her too. I am glad I do not have an addictive relationship to weed but I do know that my compulsive nature does make me want to use too much. Food, booze, caffeine and speed (in that order) are the killers for me. Only food remains a problem 'cos I can't stop taking it. Weed helps me a lot more than it hurts so I will stick with it for the moment, but in a controlled manner. I hope tonight will be blighted by alcohol abuse: but not my own! Huppa Holland!!!!!