It will hurt so much.

Herrad posted today about the end of her life- eased out of it by the lovely Dr Dagmah. We hope in our own home and peacefully- with Motorhead playing "Ace Of Spades" at full blast- maybe not we will see. It will be Herrad's choice. I miss Britain a lot. We were planning to move to Wales when Herrad got sick. At first I was choked we had to stay here- I need some bloody hills! but now I don't mind. There is a lot wrong in this country but this they have right- without weed to help ease the pain and spasms and the assurance of a dignified end to life I think Herrad may have chosen to end her life before the MS got so bad. What a loss!
I can not think what I will do without her. I do not enjoy doing things without her. Going to the cinema or to a concert is about sharing the experience with Herrad- talking to her is what I like to do most.
I will need a bloody job as well- shit.
Most of all I will be just so lonely.
I will do all I can to keep her enjoying life for as long as she can.

all one folk at heart

I didn't know you had Morris dancing in New Orleans!

Get over it!

I was neglectful and allowed Herrad to get a skin infection. I spotted it in time and it is under control but it was something I thought I had covered. Herrad being stuck in bed and so immobile and the hot sticky weather- all factors but I need to be on top of them all.
Since Tuesday I have been feeling like I have been balancing on the edge of the abyss- I have felt that within a week my neglect will have killed her and it will be all my fault and it is all just too much.
Today I have got balance back again. Yeah a mistake was made. Not the first and unlikely to be the last. It did do some damage to Herrad and she would have felt pain if her nervous system worked. I will always feel bad when I get it wrong but I remain determined to get it right next time. I get it right most times and I learn from the mistakes.
Life is too short to worry- I have waisted two days with anxiety. Time to move on.

Essential information.

Cricket: As explained to a foreigner...

You have two sides, one out in the field and one in. Each man that's in the side that's in goes out, and when he's out he comes in and the next man goes in until he's out. When they are all out, the side that's out comes in and the side thats been in goes out and tries to get those coming in, out. Sometimes you get men still in and not out.

When a man goes out to go in, the men who are out try to get him out, and when he is out he goes in and the next man in goes out and goes in. There are two men called umpires who stay all out all the time and they decide when the men who are in are out. When both sides have been in and all the men have out, and both sides have been out twice after all the men have been in, including those who are not out, that is the end of the game!

Now an instructional video on how to treat an Ausie batsman.

A good day to you all!

Herrad before the sore.

Super nurse Ton Peeks came round and has given the all clear for Herrad to start the process of sitting up again!
I am so happy! It will be year of Herrad being stuck in bed next month. A whole year.
I did not think I would get through some of it. But we have got through this one. She is still here. Still with me and we are ready to face the next challenge.
Yipeeeeeee!
Now if England can only thrash the Ausies at Lords today my joy will be unbounded!

Nout so queer

To get it straight- the banner behind the men is supposed to be anti homo- some repressed emotions there one thinks!

good news and forward the workers

Something good. Willis (my wonder neighbour) stopped the man with the dog on the street and asked him what he was playing at. She secured an apology and an assurance it will not happen again. I had also found out the house he lives in is a squat that was organised by the "Kraakbewegging" (the squatters movement). I emailed them directly about the problem and Herrad phoned an old friend from the squat scene. The idiots behaviour was not approved of as it is not only personally abhorrent it is also damaging to the movement so they asked him to watch what he was up to. So I am not scared any more and you could say that the community functioned as it should- no one hurt no one locked up. He was having a bad time himself and over reacted. It should not of happened but that is city life. He is unlikely to make future confrontations with me and that is all I really care about. If he does I know who to ask now.
Willis is a great neighbour to have and I am glad that the squat movement still takes it's social responsibilities seriously. The right wing VVD party is campaigning to have the house evicted and would use the incident to pressurise the local government to act. Despite the idiot with a dog I would rather see the house full of bright lively young people with a DIY internet cafe downstairs than a boarded up shell; there is no money to fund the redevelopment so the block would stand derelict indefinitely.
I have been on anarchist forums in the last few weeks. I have been committed to the unfashionable cause of communism most of my adult life and have found the lack of opportunity to participate in the struggle (such as it is) very frustrating. As it is I am now in discussion about communist perspectives of life as a carer with a carer for a severely learning handicapped child an elderly comrade looking after his partner with dementia and a chap who has just lost his partner after caring for her for many years. An interesting discussion is just starting. Unfortunately for me the others are UK based so a lot of specific issues do not apply to my situation but the broader discussion about the role of care givers and the ways care is given may prove to be very interesting. I would hope I could at least gain some social insights from Herrad's MS- I get very little else from it.