Tuesday, July 6, 2010


I can't publish comments on my last post.

Huppa Holland!!!!!!!

It is getting exciting today. Everyone dressed in orange and making preparations for the big game tonight. I only hope Uruguay don't spoil the party. If Holland win the world cup I am going to ask my bank for a big loan on the day after- I reckon the manager will be good for a million! Seriously though it would be great if Holland win. Amsterdam will go crazy- starting with my neighbours!
It is strange to be in the middle of the excitement. Orange and red white and blue are not my favourite colours for a party- especially in July- I even found myself humming 'The Sash My Father Wore' on the tram- it would be just my luck if I had been sat next to a Glasgow Celtic fan but I don't think any one was more annoyed than would be natural when some idiot starts whistling on a crowded sweaty tram.
Herrad has been up and down with the weather: heat and MS do not mix. When the clouds come over she can use her hands and when the sun comes out she feels dreadful. It is a big change for her from how she was. She loved sunny days and I loved to watch her enjoying them. She was super relaxed and looked great in her summer clothes (she has the best legs since Betty Grable http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hj7ptNYO_Eo&feature=related)
I am so glad she has started to show them off again. They may not obey orders any more but they are still a lovely pair of legs and do not deserve to be hidden away on a hot day. The two of us are very much in love and the MS has intensified my feelings for her. She is the most loveable of people. I am feeling stronger and calmer than I have in a long while. I have cut my food and marijuana intake to the benefit of my body and mind- this was a barely concious procedure. I just felt less desire for both. Marijuana helps me to an extent but it is a double edged sword and can leave me confused and worried if I use too much or at inappropriate times. I now have a little in the evening and it knocks my socks off. Which is handy 'cos it is my preparation for going to bed. I really enjoy the hit and relax into music and then sleep. It is twenty years since I used alcohol. Drink is what I still crave when stressed. I know that drinking would be a disaster for me in any situation but as Herrad's caregiver it would be a disaster for her too. I am glad I do not have an addictive relationship to weed but I do know that my compulsive nature does make me want to use too much. Food, booze, caffeine and speed (in that order) are the killers for me. Only food remains a problem 'cos I can't stop taking it. Weed helps me a lot more than it hurts so I will stick with it for the moment, but in a controlled manner. I hope tonight will be blighted by alcohol abuse: but not my own! Huppa Holland!!!!!

Sunday, July 4, 2010

It has been a while since I posted. I hit a block in what I felt I could write. Much of what I want to scream about is deeply personal to Herrad. She is a strong dignified woman but MS leaves her hurt and vulnerable. It has taken her away ability to control her body and it can be humiliating for her. I make it as matter of fact and straight forward as I can when it happens but I know she feels it deeply so I have not found it easy to write 'Herrad crapped her knickers in bed this morning' and put it on the net. I know she shares a lot of her experience with her blog friends but that is her sharing her own life. I feel like a cad for talking about it.
Herrad posted some photos of her self that she found difficult to look at herself.http://accessdenied-livingwithms.blogspot.com/ I think she looks like a beautiful women who has MS but she saw herself robbed of her looks and strength.
Herrad says in her last post that she is accepting what she looks like now. Maybe I can write a bit now.

Thursday, May 27, 2010

I don't know why.

Suddenly, without warning and totally unwanted I start to get depressed. Negative thoughts dominating my mind. Everything is a huge effort. I can not afford depression!
I wish I wasn't mental.

Good News!

Herrad can start sitting again on Saturday- the weather has gone nasty here but there is sunshine in my heart!

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Not so bad...

Ton Peeks, the specialist nurse visited us today and he was positive about the wound. He agrees it looks to be a small skin abrasion and nothing more. I think it looks to be healing already.

Sunday, May 16, 2010

Light at the end of a tunnel or an oncomming train!

I am so knocked down I can barely muster the appropriate Anglo Saxon expletives to do justice to my feelings.
Herrad's pressure sore is bleeding again. Just a bit of broken skin. It could be another two months in bed for her.
She will have to cancel a fitting for the chair tomorrow. The weather is due to get nice again. We want to go out together.
It just aint fair!

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Some good news!

Spike is doing fine after his operation. The bones have healed correctly and in a few weeks he should be totally recovered once his knee stabilises. Big relief in the house.

Friday, April 23, 2010

Bob Robert

Some times you can only cry. BobRobert died. Leaving sad family and friends with happy memories of a wonderful man. The world is colder less compassionate less witty and less beautiful today.


For Steve and Bob Robert on Shakespeare's birthday.

Against my love shall be as I am now,
With Time's injurious hand crush'd and o'erworn;
When hours have drain'd his blood and fill'd his brow
With lines and wrinkles; when his youthful morn
Hath travell'd on to age's steepy night;
And all those beauties whereof now he's king
Are vanishing, or vanished out of sight,
Stealing away the treasure of his spring;
For such a time do I now fortify
Against confounding age's cruel knife,
That he shall never cut from memory
My sweet love's beauty, though my lover's life:
His beauty shall in these black lines be seen,
And they shall live, and he in them still green.

Sunday, April 18, 2010

Bo Robert and Steve

Two of the nicest people I have met in the blogosphere. Bo Robert and Steve.
The moment seems to have arrived for them. Bo Robert is facing his last pain and may not be around for much longer.
The love between these two men has been an inspiration for me. Steve has showed so much courage love and compassion for his beautiful man and done all he could to ease the course of this rotten disease. Fighting all the time for the best support for BR.
Even the love of a great man like Steve can not stop a monster like MS.
A great love story is entering its final chapter. (Title is link to their blog)

Friday, March 19, 2010

Poor wee doggy

Spike is back from his operation. He is just crying and giving the occasional heart breaking howl.
Six weeks in a cage now. It was a big op and he will be in a lot of pain. Poor wee thing.
Herrad and I are both in bits but being terribly brave. My wee friend!

Thursday, March 18, 2010

As many as one a year!

Herrad's birthday yesterday was a good day. She got loads of flowers, old friends dropped by and she shared a glass of bubbly. I made a a pretty little cake and a favourite dinner.
So glad she had a good time. I feel terribly responsible for Herrad's moods. I feel such a failure when she is sad. I understand rationally that I can not stop the pain of MS and the frustration of her situation making her feel sad but emotionally I am ripped apart when she cries. I would put my hand in a blender if it would stop her hurting. But nothing will stop her hurting.
Yesterday we got past the MS- it was her day: laughing, singing and revelling in the love sent from all round the world. A happy birthday. Today we had a more medical sort of day but that was not so bad either. Tomorrow my wee doggy goes for an operation so I am off to bed ready for the big day for little Spikey.
If you sent Herrad a birthday greeting thank you very much- she loved them!

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

still here still getting bye

I am still here, still getting bye. Worries are always with me but I am less oppressed by them than I have been.
Herrad's wound opening again and the dog being sick plus the winter blues got a bit on top of me. I am trying to spring clean house body and mind and go forward in a positive manner.
I want to do something daft- all my life I have taken the less sensible option but right now I am Mr Responsible. I need to be a good boy so I will be a good boy but I want an outlet for the crazy side.
I am toying with doing motorcycle lessons and buying an old bike. I saw a Benelli Tornado from 1970 and a Bonny from 64. I could afford one.I would not have time to drive much but I could keep it in the living room and stroke it Only thing is I am a crap mechanic. I have a touch like an elephant with delicate machinery.
We will see what we can do.