I have got to be more positive because my current state is getting Herrad down. I can not make her MS better but I can make her feel worse. Yesterday I decided to put all the effort I can into being brighter. Even if I do not feel happy I will act happy and hopeful. It is not easy, I am sure I am clinically depressed- that is I do not have the right brain chemistry to feel happy so I need to take action to stimulate my brain into producing the right chemicals to make me feel happy. Fatigue is one of the symptoms of depression so I have to up my exercise whilst feeling wiped out. It can be done and will be done. Blogging again has helped already. I am going to make my self a coffee and get the house clean and shining and try to get the dogs out for a long walk. I will stop watching television- always a sign of depression for me. Usually TV just makes me angry and frustrated, movies the same, I can not believe how much effort goes in to making trivial meaningless rubbish and how much importance it is given by society. I know not all TV and all films are rubbish but most (99%) are. Watching them makes me feel I have given up. OK I may be an undereducated manual labourer but I still have something of a brain and will try to feed it.

I got through the dreaded birthday yesterday. It always gets me down and I had been low for the last month any way. I have done a big lot of shopping- fruit and veg mostly so I have not so much to do over the weekend.
I am trying to find the positive. It is not easy.
My new dog Cyril is getting very sweet. He is beginning to believe I am not going to beat him. I do not know what went down in his previous home but something scared the wee lad. He both wants my affection and is very scared. He cuddles up to me growling and showing his rather impressive teeth. As he has been here longer the growling is less and the cuddles are more. I will never beat him so I hope he can learn to trust me. It is strange after my Spike was so completely trusting. I do not see the point in having a dog (or any other animal) without making it happy. I see so many dogs walking along looking so sad- usually horribly over weight. A woman told me her Jack Russell did not want to play like my dog cause she was 7 years old- I did not tell her my Marlene is 10!

It has been a long time since I last posted- the blog is a space for internal dialogues and I have not been talking to myself.
Anyway I have got a right good depression going now so I am writing again. Spring is a reminder of me getting older as the year renews itself. "Spring is in the green leaf but winter is in the wood."
I find my self looking back at the last spring I felt optimistic about- 1974! when my parents moved us to a place I hated. Lost all my friends and have struggled to make new ones since.
Since then spring has got sadder connotations for me.
I have been looking at the history website for my "home town". I have not visited for years and have lost all contact with the place but some how I feel so nostalgic for the Island. It is a notoriously ugly little town with famously unfriendly inhabitants.
Somehow I want nothing more than a walk by the old oil refinery and down to the old gun site (I think the old turrets and lookout tower have been demolished now). A pint of keg bitter in an inhospitable boozer and a pukka pie.
I guess it would make me no happier if I did visit but the very fact I can not makes it a desire.

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Huppa Holland!!!!!!!

It is getting exciting today. Everyone dressed in orange and making preparations for the big game tonight. I only hope Uruguay don't spoil the party. If Holland win the world cup I am going to ask my bank for a big loan on the day after- I reckon the manager will be good for a million! Seriously though it would be great if Holland win. Amsterdam will go crazy- starting with my neighbours!
It is strange to be in the middle of the excitement. Orange and red white and blue are not my favourite colours for a party- especially in July- I even found myself humming 'The Sash My Father Wore' on the tram- it would be just my luck if I had been sat next to a Glasgow Celtic fan but I don't think any one was more annoyed than would be natural when some idiot starts whistling on a crowded sweaty tram.
Herrad has been up and down with the weather: heat and MS do not mix. When the clouds come over she can use her hands and when the sun comes out she feels dreadful. It is a big change for her from how she was. She loved sunny days and I loved to watch her enjoying them. She was super relaxed and looked great in her summer clothes (she has the best legs since Betty Grable http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hj7ptNYO_Eo&feature=related)
I am so glad she has started to show them off again. They may not obey orders any more but they are still a lovely pair of legs and do not deserve to be hidden away on a hot day. The two of us are very much in love and the MS has intensified my feelings for her. She is the most loveable of people. I am feeling stronger and calmer than I have in a long while. I have cut my food and marijuana intake to the benefit of my body and mind- this was a barely concious procedure. I just felt less desire for both. Marijuana helps me to an extent but it is a double edged sword and can leave me confused and worried if I use too much or at inappropriate times. I now have a little in the evening and it knocks my socks off. Which is handy 'cos it is my preparation for going to bed. I really enjoy the hit and relax into music and then sleep. It is twenty years since I used alcohol. Drink is what I still crave when stressed. I know that drinking would be a disaster for me in any situation but as Herrad's caregiver it would be a disaster for her too. I am glad I do not have an addictive relationship to weed but I do know that my compulsive nature does make me want to use too much. Food, booze, caffeine and speed (in that order) are the killers for me. Only food remains a problem 'cos I can't stop taking it. Weed helps me a lot more than it hurts so I will stick with it for the moment, but in a controlled manner. I hope tonight will be blighted by alcohol abuse: but not my own! Huppa Holland!!!!!

It has been a while since I posted. I hit a block in what I felt I could write. Much of what I want to scream about is deeply personal to Herrad. She is a strong dignified woman but MS leaves her hurt and vulnerable. It has taken her away ability to control her body and it can be humiliating for her. I make it as matter of fact and straight forward as I can when it happens but I know she feels it deeply so I have not found it easy to write 'Herrad crapped her knickers in bed this morning' and put it on the net. I know she shares a lot of her experience with her blog friends but that is her sharing her own life. I feel like a cad for talking about it.
Herrad posted some photos of her self that she found difficult to look at herself.http://accessdenied-livingwithms.blogspot.com/ I think she looks like a beautiful women who has MS but she saw herself robbed of her looks and strength.
Herrad says in her last post that she is accepting what she looks like now. Maybe I can write a bit now.

I don't know why.

Suddenly, without warning and totally unwanted I start to get depressed. Negative thoughts dominating my mind. Everything is a huge effort. I can not afford depression!
I wish I wasn't mental.