Sunday, August 16, 2009

Ticking over-

I am coping as well as I have for some time. I am getting over the incident with the jerk and his dog. I have had to force my self to get through the door at times but I kept doing it. Slowly it became less frightening. Now I can even believe I enjoyed shopping yesterday and going to the market was a pleasure again. In the last months these experiences have been a paranoid nightmare. Every few moments another panic.(Purse! Keys! ID card! phone!) I can not run away like I would have done before Herrad's illness- I have to care for Herrad I have to do the shopping I have to talk to the "care" professionals: no time to freak out! I can not stop freaking out so I am acting normal whilst screaming inside. Oh well I would have liked to be an actor if only I could learn the lines- memory of a fish- but I can improvise and work up quite a nice little performance as "care giver".
I hate living in this house. I leave and enter through a communal front gate and have nothing but unpleasant confrontations with the filth who live around us. A stupid nasty anti-social family drag the whole place down. Their child provokes the other children to behave badly and the adults show no concern for any of the consequences. I believe they must hate their children because they smoke cigarettes in the lift with them. When I use the lift after them I choke in the filthy air. I guess that is the atmosphere the children grow up in. The adults are not in good health themselves and I have heard that strokes are caused by both inherited factors and environmental factors. I wonder if tobacco counts as inheritance or environment. Daddy provides both for the children.
I hate gangsters and hard men most of all- just stupid little selfish boys who fail to reach emotional adulthood. I have often had dealings with such people and am always shocked by what limited jerks they are. They hide behind violence. They are so scared of the world of compassion. It is the one challenge they can not cope with. They have no belief that they can be more than a big stupid greedy animal- consuming and not creating. Indeed they are a model of all that is wrong with human society- they have the selfishness of the trading floor and apply it to personal relationships. The trader kills and robs and enslaves by proxy but the hood does it personally, so in some ways you could almost see them as more moral than the man who never sees the blood he spills. The trader acknowledges the state monopoly on violence whilst the hood has not got the financial enforcement of the legal system so he uses his own gun- not the coppers. Both hood and trader are the same useless parasite that lives off the labour of others. Both despise honest workers. Both are enemies of freedom.
Any way a good rant! I feel better and I hear the shits are trying for a new house- make it happen soon and far far away!
I hope that I can avoid the scum till either he kills himself with his ciggies or he moves.


Friko said...

I am so very sorry for you and Herrad, when hope goes all is lost. No wonder you scream and feel full of hatred. I have been very ill three times in my life (cancer, kidney failure and pulmonary embolism) but each time I told death to bugger off and I made it.

Get writing - keep on writing, it helps tremendously.

FrankandMary said...

I rather enjoyed this rant. You should rant more often :-). Just screaming on the inside will make you explode. Throw a bit at us. We can take it. ~Mary

steve said...

I hope you can find a way to live with stupid people. They're everywhere. Efforts to avoid them are futile.

Good thing is stupid people are usually not very complicated. Figure out what motivates them, and they can be easily manipulated.

I'm so very nonconfrontational, yet I hate it even more when my daily actions are controlled by someone I don't respect.

Amelia said...

Hi Richie,
I just wanted to pop by and say Hi!
I think you are amazing for all you do and I have said before that I see comparisons between you and Martin - my hubby.
I see it now too. You carry on, with everything appearing to be OK on the outside, but screaming about it all on the inside.
As Mary said, scream at us, we can take it - I am trying to get Martin to scream somewhere - if it's not at me then at someone, but I fear that he doesn't. It's got to happen one day eh?!
Take care, Thinking of you both, as always,
Love & hugs
Amelia XxXxX