Herrad is hurting very bad.

We had a talk last night. Herrad could not hold back. All the fear frustration and pain flooding out. This is just so bad. We just wanted to get old together and she knows she will not be there with me, all we want is each other- we are a boring couple.
This is just so cruel and so hard to live through. She is in so much pain and nothing I can do makes it any better. I feel like a jailer working for MS not a care giver. She is not going to be with me and then what do I do?
Oh this hurts so much..so much and I can't do anything to make it better. I love her so much and I can do nothing to help her. MS is so nasty.

It works!

Putting up a post did it's job. I did find sharing the guilt I feel about Herrad's condition helped me contextualise it. I feel a lot better today. I took it easy and watched rugby all day. I love the six nations championship. I feel very relaxed.
I will try to post a little more often. It is so nice to get supportive comments but the big thing is just expressing things that I can say to know one.

Back to moan.

I got a comment months after my last post- thanks Olivia. Ok am I going to do a second post soon? I don't really know. Right now I want to write something again. Last time I got so sad I could not write so I stopped trying- I found myself crying over the keyboard and unable to find words.
When things go wrong I take it to heart. I want to make things good so much that when things go bad I feel the lowest form of life on Earth.
Yes you guessed it- things are crap at the moment and I feel like it is all my fault. Herrad's decubitus wound has opened up again. A pressure sore- it was a monster; if you have never experienced a pressure sore do what ever you can to avoid the experience- my experience of Herrad's is in previous posts but understand that people die from pressure sores- gangrenous holes bone deep. I washed dead flesh out of it everyday for months. It was terrible.
Right now it is just a layer of skin scraped from the scar but it is enough to put Herrad flat on her back till it heals. Somehow it got open again. What did I do?
I think we have stopped it getting infected and it is starting the slow process of recovering. We do not know how long it will take and the spring weather is just starting so frustration levels are going off the register.
By the way I like to put rubbish in my tags just to drag poor idiots to this blog.