Herrad is hurting very bad.

We had a talk last night. Herrad could not hold back. All the fear frustration and pain flooding out. This is just so bad. We just wanted to get old together and she knows she will not be there with me, all we want is each other- we are a boring couple.
This is just so cruel and so hard to live through. She is in so much pain and nothing I can do makes it any better. I feel like a jailer working for MS not a care giver. She is not going to be with me and then what do I do?
Oh this hurts so much..so much and I can't do anything to make it better. I love her so much and I can do nothing to help her. MS is so nasty.

Pain and law makers

It has been a better week. Sense of humour still struggling to hit old levels but more is becoming amusing and less is seeming horrific.
Wobbly yesterday due to over tiredness. It was a wobbly and not so good but I knew all the time what was wrong and a good nights sleep seems to have been the remedy. A week ago I would have felt as if it was all a great cosmic abyss into which I am descending. As it is I knew it was a bad day 'cos I was knackered.
I got a big fright yesterday from Steve and BR on http://spinfortunaswheel.blogspot.com/
Subsequent posts have proved more optimistic but at the time it hit me just how fond I am of these two men.
I am so angry that prejudice stops BR getting the medication he needs. I see how Herrad gets relief from THC vapour. The THC reduces the spasms that cause the pain- other painkillers numb out some of the pain and a big chunk of conciousness. We use weed 'cos it works and because the Professor of Neurological Medicine we consulted recommended it.
It is strange that Americans are refused the best treatment available when it is herb that grows for next to nothing.
Rationality must prevail over prejudice and the law must change. I do not care how it is organised- I would not mind if it was the Devil incarnate or even Donald Rumsfield got the contract to supply but MS sufferers must receive the relief! The position of the US in world politics allowed small town prejudice to get weed put on the UN narcotics list- time for the supertanker of US opinion to turn round and bring about the change MS sufferers need.

Thanks to Herrad's friends

Herrad sent an email and blogged about how she is feeling now. She has had to let go of the "I'm OK" answer when you ask her "How are You?'
This is a relief for me. I have to ask her how she is all the time. Cold, warm, hungry thirsty cant scroll down the computer screen cos her hands are shit, sitting to the left thus straining the right side of her neck. I need to know 'cos it is my job to to sort it out. Unfourtunately my necessary question was getting the answer she was not givving to the casual "How are you?" from friends.
"How do you fucking think I am? I have got bloody MS and hurt all bloody over you arsehole how do I feel? I feel like shit!"
I am a stroppy git myself and had to take a deep breath and be all sweet and bring her round to discussing what I can do to help. Sometimes I would react. She would get upset and we then talked hugged and got going on the right track again. Life is easier now it is public: Herrad feels really shitty- now we can get on with the rest of life.
Herrad's friends have been great. The kind supportive comments from her fellow MS bloggers and her other friends around the world have been a huge lift for us.
We are pushing forward with some new ideas and Herrad is working on making podcasts again.
Your comments and emails have helped us get rolling again. Thanks.