Wednesday, November 12, 2008

MS is a shitty disease...

OK so this is my first post. Why this blog? It is a place where I can express the absolute despair I am feeling as I watch my darling grow sicker and sicker and prepare for her to die. I am desperate because I will out live her. I cant believe in a future without her. I want to scream and rave and smash up the furniture but I dont. I just get on with the daily business of keeping her alive and trying to make her life tolerable. It is getting less good by the month an we both know she will not want to take much more of this shitty disease. I have an email from her, with a letter attached to be printed out. It is her euthanasia letter. It is the first part of the process. I am glad it is legal here (in the Netherlands) we can make rational plans with our trusted doctor but it is still dreadful. I am glad for her that she can set a limit on the pain she suffers. When she dies my pain will continue. I guess we will have next summer after that I dont know.

Well today I cant stop crying and dont know who the hell to talk to so I will address the universe. Well love to you all and stay tuned for more self pity later

Richie

3 comments:

Jaya said...

Dearest Richie, Herrad's darling..I'm just blown away and it all just seems so unfair, your angst and despair pierces through my heart and leaves me speechless. It just sucks and wish I could make it ok. The cards we are dealt with in life and we have to play them the best way we can..love is everlasting and nothing can take that away..that is some solace but nowhere even close to enough at this time.
I am thankful for your words here and opening a window for us and giving us an insight into your own struggle and pain. My thoughts are with you.. take care of each other and a big hug for both Herrad and you.

Jaya said...

This is Graham responding- Dude, cherish the time you have, its now and that's all you have and that's all any one of us has. I share your grief. Om Shanti. G.

steve said...

Richie -

You are not alone. I have watched MS take one ability after another from my partner over the past 19 months. The list of daily duties you posted is very similar to my own. Short of a miracle, I will be alone very soon, and it's a very difficult situation to comprehend.