oh shit

I am very down today. Yesterday I nearly killed Herrad. Screwed up good and proper. I took a road crossing too quick and pitched her out the chair... we got away with only minor damage to the chair and a small bruise on Herrad's head. I am gutted.

Agis screw up again.

When some one puts up a real fight to make something good out of a bad situation I would have thought the organisations that are there to support them would be able to do their part.
Herrad has been let down again.
Her muscles do not support her torso so she can not sit up- she slowly moves to one side or the other and has to be sat up to stop unbearable strain being placed on her neck- she has a neck injury which is easy to aggravate and causes great pain. I prop her up best I can with cushions and on a good day this enough- on a bad day I have to correct her position every few minutes.
Her medical team advised a special cushion be made to give her the support that will make her able to sit comfortably. The insurance company (Agis) agreed and she was measured up. The cushion was to be delivered this week but Agis is now in dispute with the supplier so they have stopped the whole deal.
We find out on the day the cushion should arrive.

Waiting bloody waiting!

Herrad is getting worse at a pace. She is loosing the use of her arms and is less able to support her self- nothing we can do to stop it but there are things that can help. We have got an agreement with the health insurance that support cushions are needed to hold her up in bed- we have had the agreement- the order has been placed and we are waiting waiting waiting- this has gone on since February. The only change is Herrad needs them more and at last we have been told we shall get them this month- it takes a few hours work to make a cushion- half a day, my Aunty Peggy could cover a three piece suite in an afternoon, shame she is to old to work now or I would have sent her the contract!
Herrad has agreement to get the joystick on he chair changed to one that requires less effort to control. We have been waiting since March for them to make an appointment to do the job. I fear she will not be able use the new control by the time it arrives. Herrad has no time to waist waiting. We are supposed to get air-co but it seems that the decision can not be made for two months- then another wait whilst it is implemented (if it is agreed) so we should be getting air-co for the start of next winter. I am so frustrated!

Grim reality comes knocking.

We are entering a new phase of Herrad's illness. Her arms are stopping working thus making her even more dependant on me. She is frustrated and scared by the developments even though we have discussed this happening it is still a shock when the real implications become obvious. She has woken crying in pain and unable to move her arms at all. I Massage them and get her some thc that gives some relieve but it is only a partial help. Last night she was working on her computer but could not cope with the complicated operations she needed to perform. I was just settling down to take things easy but had to assist. She was very frustrated and was rather unpleasant in her manner. I did my best to assist and remain relaxed and we managed to get the work done between us. I managed not to be too overtly effected but when I took the dogs out for the last walk I started to cry in the street. Herrad will not be with me much longer. She is aware of this and last night it hit me what that means for me. I can not face the future with out her. I have no life with out her. She is my reason for living. I can only look forward with despair.

Foot rot gone crazy!

I have had a bad time: athletes foot! I know it sounds trivial but it has been horrible. I got a very nasty infection three weeks ago. I bought a well known cream for the condition and it started to clear up. Then it changed it's mind and went crazy. It spread all over my feet up my legs and all over my hands. It then triggered an eczema attack. The doctor gave me pills to knock out the infection but the damage has been done and my skin is peeling off me. The cracks on the soles of my feet and around my toes make walking torture. I have to crawl out my bed on my hands and knees in the morning fill a tub with warm water and soak my feet before I can walk My hands are raw. But it is getting better and a little less painful every day. By next week I may even be able to play the banjo again. I have just done four days worth of dish-washing and will get cleaning the floors. All symbolic of my recovery- happily I have not got too depressed over this bad luck. Unusually I seem to have managed to maintain an fairly relaxed mental state. The only thing that got to me was the lack of banjo- I am on the point of being able to play a tune and want to press on!
http://www.deeringbanjos.com/sierra.html

I have got to be more positive because my current state is getting Herrad down. I can not make her MS better but I can make her feel worse. Yesterday I decided to put all the effort I can into being brighter. Even if I do not feel happy I will act happy and hopeful. It is not easy, I am sure I am clinically depressed- that is I do not have the right brain chemistry to feel happy so I need to take action to stimulate my brain into producing the right chemicals to make me feel happy. Fatigue is one of the symptoms of depression so I have to up my exercise whilst feeling wiped out. It can be done and will be done. Blogging again has helped already. I am going to make my self a coffee and get the house clean and shining and try to get the dogs out for a long walk. I will stop watching television- always a sign of depression for me. Usually TV just makes me angry and frustrated, movies the same, I can not believe how much effort goes in to making trivial meaningless rubbish and how much importance it is given by society. I know not all TV and all films are rubbish but most (99%) are. Watching them makes me feel I have given up. OK I may be an undereducated manual labourer but I still have something of a brain and will try to feed it.

I got through the dreaded birthday yesterday. It always gets me down and I had been low for the last month any way. I have done a big lot of shopping- fruit and veg mostly so I have not so much to do over the weekend.
I am trying to find the positive. It is not easy.
My new dog Cyril is getting very sweet. He is beginning to believe I am not going to beat him. I do not know what went down in his previous home but something scared the wee lad. He both wants my affection and is very scared. He cuddles up to me growling and showing his rather impressive teeth. As he has been here longer the growling is less and the cuddles are more. I will never beat him so I hope he can learn to trust me. It is strange after my Spike was so completely trusting. I do not see the point in having a dog (or any other animal) without making it happy. I see so many dogs walking along looking so sad- usually horribly over weight. A woman told me her Jack Russell did not want to play like my dog cause she was 7 years old- I did not tell her my Marlene is 10!

It has been a long time since I last posted- the blog is a space for internal dialogues and I have not been talking to myself.
Anyway I have got a right good depression going now so I am writing again. Spring is a reminder of me getting older as the year renews itself. "Spring is in the green leaf but winter is in the wood."
I find my self looking back at the last spring I felt optimistic about- 1974! when my parents moved us to a place I hated. Lost all my friends and have struggled to make new ones since.
Since then spring has got sadder connotations for me.
I have been looking at the history website for my "home town". I have not visited for years and have lost all contact with the place but some how I feel so nostalgic for the Island. It is a notoriously ugly little town with famously unfriendly inhabitants.
Somehow I want nothing more than a walk by the old oil refinery and down to the old gun site (I think the old turrets and lookout tower have been demolished now). A pint of keg bitter in an inhospitable boozer and a pukka pie.
I guess it would make me no happier if I did visit but the very fact I can not makes it a desire.