Wednesday, March 4, 2009


Sad... even America only guarantees the right to pursue happiness. Civilization gives us a false sense of mastery over our environment when in reality we are only elements within it. The forces that control the wider system will continue to operate what ever edifices we construct to resist them . We have to adapt to the environment or we fail to survive. I have adapted to include MS in my environment. How I make a living, where I live, expectations all changed to accommodate the new uncontrollable factor. I have adapted to change and loss so as I can continue with my life and take on the new task of caregiver. I have changed my expectations for the rest of my life. What I can not see is how I adapt to not having Herrad. I can not see how my life works without her. I do not want to decline into lonely old age and increased madness. I do not want to work for some jerk again after this experience. Fuck the future. I don't want it.


steve said...

You are still going to be Richie. That's probably the only thing you need to count on.

We are the sum of our experiences. She is, and will always be a part of you.

Now about this cockney rhyming slang. Are they made up as you go, or is there a vocabulary you have to learn?

Stan said...

Dear Richie:

You have a right to feel exactly what you’re feeling! It's genuinely valid, and god I say even "Normal" human emotion speaking out loud and clear from every roof top experienced throughout your life.
I’m not writing any good bye notes toward Herrad quite yet; she has an incredible spirit and strength that has and will continue to battle through the many tests that confront her as each sun rises and sets. I'm not one to hold my breath out there like a tightly wound string for miracles, but this time you have together is kind of a miracle in itself when you really think about it.
When that dreaded time comes, as it does for each and every one of us sooner or later, then it will be time to grieve and feel all those emotions that go along with the loss of someone we feel is the love of our lives, somehow completes our soul, and make us feel truly whole.
But you are stronger than you give yourself credit for; you will go on and be a better person for all of it. You don't have to believe me; in fact you can say I'm full of crud and a SOB. But sometimes it's the entire journey, that process of growth, life, and even death; that is what gives us true valued meaning in this life.
Just know there are those out here in this world that believe in you and your indelible spirit to move beyond this time; even in the ugly face of great suffering, loss, and grief.

You're Bloggery Pal,

Amelia said...

I started to write a comment and then realised it all sounded so patronising.
No words of advice are any good right now.
Take care, you are both incredible.
I don't know either of you, but I am so inspired by you both to make the most of every moment.
You have my utmost respect.
Love & hugs
Amelia XxXxX

FrankandMary said...

"They" always say to focus on the things you have control over, but with chronic or term illness, so much control is taken from both the ill and the carer of.
And I feel any kind of comfort I would venture to offer would sound unremarkable & even callous. ~Mary

Jaya said...

I like what your bloggery (sounds like a swear word but I rather like it Stan) friend Stan says...its resonates my thoughts. I, too, wholeheartedly believe in Herrad's strength and spirit and you do too so roll on the upcoming b/day celebrations and Herrad goes first and will not be ready to go out then but she will be ready when your big day comes, that is my hope and wish for you two beautiful gratitude for being a part of my life..Love and Hugs xxxx