Sunday, March 15, 2009

Screwed up little boy.

I woke to Herrad calling out in pain. I did my usual comforting- filling a bag of weed vapour for her, massage then pills. Lifted the dogs onto her bed so Herrad could have a cuddle. It was all OK after a while and Spike and Herrad had a huge love session. Sometimes Spike can not tolerate sharing Herrad with Marleen but today it was OK. We all had the mission to get the smile back on that pretty face again.

I try to be honest open and adult about my emotions but I still let the freaked out desperate child escape from the rational every now and then. Today Herrad said something in a way that hit the button.
My father could be an absolute piece of shit when he got the mind and the way Herrad spoke to me over something trivial was nasty (not very nasty) but nasty in the way my father could be. He would ask questions about something but without giving any information. I would seek to provide the answer he was after but was aware there was something else on the agenda. After a few minutes of fear the misdemeanour would be revealed and I would get a beating. When I got older I would just tell him to piss off and just give him the pleasure of being the executioner- he could miss out on playing prosecuting counsel. The physical bullying was easier to deal with than the emotional bullying. By the time I was fifteen we hated each other and I stopped going home.
Herrad was treated to the answer my Dad should have got. She did not deserve the venom and I am so sorry.
Beatings were done to improve me and to fulfil my fathers duty as a parent. I hated him for thirty years and have had depression problems all my life. Now those beatings even hurt Herrad. Violence (physical, verbal, emotional) does not belong in families.


steve said...

Stimulus, Response!

steve said...

OK. Now the serious response.

I am frustrated every day. I was raised to do for myself, and to see dependence as weakness. Despite the visual cues, I still need to remind myself that BR is no longer the strong, self-sufficient man I married. And it isn't because he is weak.

BR was a school teacher before MS took his legs and bladder. I am now his only student, and I graduated years ago. Not to say that I don't have anything yet to learn. I just have the "daily living skills" down pat. Or do I?

Patrick @ Caregivingly Yours said...

Powerful entry, Richie! 'Real men' CARE!

Caregivingly Yours, Patrick

awb said...

Sometimes we can't help but make the ones we love pay for what was done to us. It makes you feel even worse, I think, when they tell you it is OK, and you see, again, how much they love you.

Stephany said...

Under such stress, it's normal to have emotions, hell it's normal to have them anytime! It's a crappy situation for you both, and Herrad is blessed to have you there, as you are blessed to share this experience of life with her. I'd probably be wanting to chop wood or something to get it all out while screaming!

Anonymous said...

I am sure she did not deserve the "response" that was really an answer to Daddy, but good luck at being so perfect that it never happens again. We are marvelously human. I imagine living with a dad like that didn't allow for much thought about self-forgiveness, but dig deep and find some for yourself.

A little tip: The caregivers who are true ass****s NEVER admit it.

You have a lot of delicate respect for Herrad, and that does come thru....peace, Richie. ~Mary

mortonlake said...

i get snappy with mum too,dont mean to be,sometimes tho it boils are doing a great job,which you dont see as a job.which i mort